Maggie X

Graveyards Are Bad

2011-02-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

It may seem like superstitious mumbo jumbo, and for the most part it is. The perception that "graveyards are bad" seems juvenile, superstitious, and out-dated. Surely, a sensible, rational-thinking adult man or woman in this modern age could visit a graveyard without getting a sense of the "heebie jeebies." I mean, when it comes down to it, well all know that sooner or later we will all snuff it. But it's true; it's hard not to think about death when we're surrounded by tombstones.

For those of us who believe in the existence of the walking dead, of course, graveyards take on that much more of a sinister connotation.

We've all seen movies in which undead hands reach up from beneath the ground to seize the ankles of the unsuspecting living.

The question that's on the mind of all my faithful readers is, of course, what truth is there to the superstition of graveyard zombies? Well, dear friends, the truth is this: graveyards are bad. Funerals are depressing, visiting dead relatives just serves to remind you that you haven't yet moved on from their death, and if just an ounce of the Zed Virus spills onto this hallowed ground it could cause the dead to rise on gobble up your delicious brains. It's true. Graveyards are bad.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Did you know that statistically speaking 1 in 5 gravediggers are consumed violently by the living dead? Try not to become one of those statistics. Stay in school! Get a non-gravedigging job. And if that's not possible, you might want to sharpen that shovel now and then, or better yet, bring a sawed-off shotgun to work with you. It might make your coworkers nervous, but it could save your life!

Here's what you'll need:

High school diploma

Here's what to do:

Go to college. Not only can this lead to a much safer pencil-pushing job (or even a career as a doctor, lawyer, or marine biologist), which means you won't have to work the literal graveyard shift...but it can also lead to awesome fraternity/sorority parties! Moral of story: college is awesome.

Tree Forts

2011-01-25T13:40:00.000-08:00

Good morning, fellow humans. Maggie X here, writing from a cute little cyber cafe in the little-known Canadian village known as Winnipeg, where I've been on assignment, thank you very much, Mr. O.

Anyhoo, just thought I'd broadcast a lil' tip while I sip on my frothy Earl Gray bevvy, the London Fog.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids. I know how clever you all are. You've been reading my blog. You've been thinking about the end of days. And you've been coming up with your own ways to survive the apocalypse. And as for me, I'm just trying to anticipate your ever move so I can tell you in advance if it'll work or not. So, let's consider your latest and brightest idea.

You say: "The living dead suck at climbing. So when Z day comes around, I'll just climb a tree so they can't get me."

I say: "Good thinking, Einstein. The living dead do indeed suck at climbing. That is, those zombies whose limbs have decayed, succumbed to the effects of rigor mortis, or those zombies who were sufficiently mangled during their death, may be incapable of climbing a tree, ladder, or other above-ground structure. However, if you fail to take into account those deceased corpses who still remain relatively intact and who still retain the ability to climb, you may find yourself in a bit of a pickle, and by pickle, I mean, the bloated belly of a walking corpse. And that's not where you want to be."

Here's what you'll need:

Tree fort/fortress
Rope ladder
Lookout

Here's what to do:

OK. So, we've established it's not safe to simply climb into a tree and assume that the dead now can't get you. But if you do want to live in a tree like the Swiss Family Robinson and have monkey butlers, then all the power to you.

Just make sure your fort is strong and secure, that access is only gained by climbing through the trap door (make sure the trap door has a locking mechanism), and that you can only get to the trap door via rope ladder. Once inside, simply pull up the rope ladder, close and lock the trap door and you're secure.

To be on the safe side, post a lookout. Be sure to keep a pair of binoculars in the fort, as well as a good supply of weapons, a fire extinguisher, and be sure that you can fire at your enemies from inside the fortress.

Now, the only thing you should have to fear is other living humans.

Albinos

2011-01-21T10:07:00.000-08:00

Sure, they look creepy. But that doesn't mean they're undead.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Maggie X here. Today we're going to discuss the difference between albinos and the living dead.

Here's what you'll need:

Albinos
Living dead
*note: Photographs will work just fine in the absence of actual albinos and living corpses

Here's what to do:

Make some careful observations. Note, for example, that while albinos of pasty, pale skin, they do not have necrotic blemishes, gangrenous or rotting skin, nor do they smell like roadkill or travel in packs. Note that while zombies and albinos may appear odd and creepy to those not used to them, zombies don't usually talk, carry parasols or wear sunglasses.

Let's play spot the albinos. Left or right?

Answer: right.

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T10:56:00.000-08:00

Another year of blogging goes by, as of yet undetected by my faithful employers, the Agency. This probably means that I don't yet have enough readership to get on their radar, but, y'know, what can you do?

Anyway, New Year's Eve is a time for reflection. A time to look at your mistakes, promise not to make them next year, and promptly break that promise. Treadmills, diet books, and gym membership sales go up, and the availability of taxis goes down.

It's true. Everyone goes out partying New Year's Eve. Everyone goes to a party, goes to the bar, goes out to the theatre, out for dinner, out to a friend's house, out to shoot some fireworks, or what have you. And because everyone plans to drink, there are no designated drivers left, so they all take taxis. And you know what that means, right? A lot of people without taxis to be had. Last time I called the cab service on New Year's Eve, they told me the wait time for available cabs was looking like two hours. I told them to eat a dick. If you're lucky, you can flag down a cab with no fare, but you'll likely have more luck trying to lose thirty pounds next month. Fat chance.

As a woman who has to battle the two conflicting sides of her brain - the one that has been trained to hunt and kill non-breathers, and the one that likes to go out on a Friday night and get a bit sloshed - I have to start thinking about ways to avoid being snuffed out by the already-snuffed out while enjoying the holiday festivities. And as New Year's Eve is the holiday of booze, sex, and fireworks (in that order), I don't want to miss out just because I'm too busy meditating on the cold reality that the appearance of living corpses will ruin any good party.

Instead of allowing my imagination to wander, it is much better to simply arrive prepared. I suggest you all do the same.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids. Welcome to the party. Step inside, mingle, have some stale pretzels, meet somebody, hook up, get preggers in a spare bedroom, drink some fancy champy, but beware: the living dead love the stench of sweaty humans in tight quarters. Yes, the dead love parties, and they're never invited. Which is fine, so long as you don't leave the party, right? You've got that big, strong bouncer at the door and he's not letting in anyone that looks like the dead. But what happens when you leave the party? What happens when you hit the streets and you can't get a cab? You plan to run home? In those heels? I don't think so.

Here's what you'll need:

Chauffeur

Here's what to do:

Ok, so, it's hard to get a cab on New Year's Eve. We've established that. But then, how are you going to get home after the party? Ain't no way in hell you're walking home, especially not with the living dead lurking about, and besides, you've had far too much to drink to even safely use a sidewalk. But not to worry. You've come prepared. And you've done it in style. That's right. You're well aware of this fancy little service called limousines.

The great thing about limousines is that you can book them in advance. That means you don't have to flag them down. You don't have to wait hours upon hours for them. And you don't have to endure that god-awful stench of the cab driver's natural perfume or listen to their weird music or listen to them talk on their bluetooth device to their cousin in a foreign language while they ignore your directions and rack up the cab fare.

Instead, you just call the limo service, tell them when you want the limo to arrive, how long you'll need it for, and they can give you a flat rate. Gather up your friends and take the limo together; that way you can split the fare, and ride to and from the party together - in style.

Just remember to book well in advance, because limo services are going to be booked pretty solid this New Year's Eve.

Don't Put Your Fingers In People's Mouths

2010-12-30T17:41:00.000-08:00

Now, this might seem like common sense, but I've learned never to underestimate the stupidity of others (children especially). So, while I encourage everyone to practice this rule of common sense, I would also like to encourage you to teach your children to follow this rule. What rule is that, you ask?

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids, so I saw this video on youtube and couldn't help but laugh at this kid's pain. One thing that makes it particularly amusing is that you have to think that whoever is holding the camera could have intervened had he/she wanted to. All he would have had to do was say, "Don't put your finger in his mouth."

Let that be a lesson to all of you. Don't put your fingers in other people's mouths. You never know whether or not they're going to bite down.

X-Mas

2010-12-25T13:51:00.001-08:00

Merry X-mas, everyone. Be sure to light your fireplace and stay warm this Christmas.

Baseball Bats

2010-12-16T10:45:00.000-08:00

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids, do you remember T-Ball? It's like baseball, but the ball sits up on the T so it's easier to hit. Zombies' heads are like that, except somewhat more firmly attached and if you don't hit it quickly enough it'll eat you. Anyway, point is this: baseball bats are not just for playing baseball. So, grab that bat and let's play some T-Ball, Maggie X style.

Here's What You'll need:

Baseball bat
Hammer
Nails
Sports car (convertible)
Driver

Here's what to do:

First step, let's weaponize that baseball bat. It will work fine without, but it's more gory this way and looks more badass. Get out your hammer and nails. Hammer in some nails; just go crazy with it. Remember not to put them on the handle.

Should look something like this:

Alternatively, you could make a flaming baseball bat by tying a gasoline-soaked rag around it and lighting it on fire.
Now's the fun part where you go all Grand Theft Auto. Remember science? Something about mass plus velocity, right? Well, that law of physics is going to help you out when cleaning the undead off the streets. So here's a handy hint. You can get a lot more velocity by swinging your bat while inside a moving vehicle. Give it a try. Set up scarecrows for practice.

And remember, safety first. Wear your seatbelt and follow the speed limit.

Know Your Enemy

2010-12-11T12:13:00.000-08:00

If you're going to survive, you need to know your enemy. This is also a song by Rage Against the Machine.

So, a few point form facts about the living dead:
1. No pulse
2. No breathing
3. Eat your brains
4. Headshots to kill them
5. If they bite you, you'll turn into one of them
6. Bad smell
7. Look rotten
8. Time it takes to become one: variable
9. Slow-moving
10. Bad agility

How will knowing your enemy help you to survive? Well, I should think that would be obvious. The fact that they want to eat your brains might give you the idea to wear a helmet, so that they can't get at your brains. Then again, the fact that if they bite you, you'll turn into them, should suggest that merely wearing a helmet to prevent their eating your brains will not suffice. You'll need to take more action. They are slow-moving; this means you can probably outrun them, unless you're Christopher Reeve or Stephen Hawking.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! I know you hate studying, but....
Do your research!

Here's what you'll need:

Mad Science Laboratory
Zombie
Shackles

Here's what to do:

Shackle your zombie. Take care not to allow him to bite you. Remember, safety first kids; have an adult help with strapping down your zombie.

Experiment. Try poking him with sticks - see how he reacts. Note his distinctive smell of putrefaction - in future, when you detect this smell, you'll know that death is near. Take notes from your experiment. Knowledge is power.

Get A Job, You Bum

2010-11-29T13:21:00.000-08:00

This one goes out to all the homeless people out there who are sober enough that they can drop into the public library now and then to check their emails and keep up with their blog subscriptions. This also goes out to all those loafers still living in their parents' basements or living off welfare cheques.

This is not just a matter of pride or social status, nor is this a call for a capitalist uprising. This is about survival.

In this, the era of materialism, we rely on jobs to make our money, money to make our purchases, and purchases to sustain us. We are not hunters and gatherers any more, and most of us are not farmers either. We buy our food in cans and boxes. We don't get our clothes by skinning buffalos; we get them from Buffalo Jeans at the local shopping mall.

But let me get to the point. When the living dead come knocking at your door, you have to ask yourself this: where did you get that door? You paid for it, when you bought your house...right? Yeah...that's assuming you're not homeless. If you are homeless, just sitting out there on the street with a cardboard sign asking for change, then I hate to say it, but you're shit out of luck when the shit hits the fan. You're a slab of meat on a buffet table.

So, you want to be prepared. You want to have walls around you. You want to have a roof over your head. You want doors on your house. You need to pay for those walls and that roof and those doors. You want to be armed and dangerous. You want to have a supply of food in case you have to hide out for a couple months inside your shelter.

You need a job.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! So, you want to make some coin, do ya? Well, good for you.

Here's what you'll need:

Resume
Haircut (Seriously, you're lookin' pretty haggard)
Deodorant
High school diploma or better (alternatively, you could work at Walmart, take up a paper route, or drive an ice cream truck)

Here's what to do:

Start handing out your resume, filling out applications, and practicing for interviews. Should you lie on your resume? Only if you are sure you won't be caught.

Start making that money. Open up a bank account and leave some extra in your savings, just in case. Make a list of supplies you might need in case of zombie apocalypse (weapons, food, ammo, beer, porn, helicopter) and make purchases.

Winter Tires

2010-11-24T13:52:00.000-08:00

Not sure if i mentioned this, but I am currently on assignment in the frosty arctic wonderland otherwise known as Canada. Yes indeed, Mr. O has condemned me to a place the locals jovially refer to as Winterpeg, Manisnowba, but which I bitterly refer to as When Hell Freezes Over. The locals have informed me that this is just the beginning, that I haven't even seen cold yet...Today is only -4, an improvement on yesterday's -18. Of course, I'm talking about a wonky little system that the Canadians call Celcius. In Farenheit, -4 is about 25, and -18 is about 0.4

But the cold is not the worst part. The worst part is the snow. Honestly, I hate to get all Ebenezer Scrooge on the situation, but humbug to the snow. In the Christmas I dream of, I'm lying on the beach drinking margaritas on the rocks. Today, they are expecting 10-20 centimetres of snow. Yes, that's the metric system equivalent of about 4-8 inches. Which brings me to my next tip of the week.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids. Welcome to Canada, where snow is a state of mind and not a form of precipitation. To my non-Canadian readers, I haven't forgotten that Canada is not the only country that gets snow in the winter time. If you're in a snowy, wintry nation, you'll know that winter driving is a lot different from summer driving. You may be driving across ice, over huge snow banks, or even on ice roads. Your car will slip, slide, and skid across the road if you do not adjust to the winter conditions. Ploughing the streets after a large snowfall is time-consuming and expensive.

And although it is much harder for the living dead to crawl out of their graves when the ground is frozen solid, it is still important to take their threat into consideration.

Here's what you'll need:

Snow tires

Here's what to do:

Use your summer tires in the summer. Use your winter tires in the winter. Seems simple, but way too many people think they can just use all-season tires and save themselves the trouble. A great idea in theory, but you are much better off with the winter tires, believe you me.

And when the undead are surrounding your car, you don't want to have to get out and push.

Don't Smell Like a Man

2010-11-19T15:44:00.000-08:00

With apologies to the Old Spice Man, I think it may be important to not smell like a man.

Like most predators, I suspect that the living dead rely heavily on their olfactory senses. It is important, therefore, not to smell like food.

Ask even the smallest child what a zombie eats and you'll find the answers are strikingly similar. Whether you're a Romero purist and you believe that zombies eat human flesh, or you're an O'Bannon follower and you believe that zombies eat only human brains, everyone knows that zombies are cannibals. They do not eat daisies, daffodils, lemons, or mountain springs. When hunting, they seek out the potent stench of human sweat - the man-smell. Hollywood, at least, had that right; never, in any zombie movie, do you see zombies eating floral bouquets.

So, how do you keep the living dead from following your natural man odour? It's easy.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Tired of being hunted by the hungry dead who can smell you from a mile away? I'll bet you are.

Here's what you'll need:

Soap
Shampoo
Conditioner (optional)
Shower
Luffa (optional)
Clean towel

Here's what to do:

Turn on shower. Get in shower. Wash entire body with soap. Use the luffa if you have one. Wash your hair with shampoo and (optional) conditioner. Remember to exit the shower if you need to use the toilet; do not pee in the shower. Once complete, turn off the shower, and dry off with the towel immediately.

Wow! It's amazing. You don't smell like filth! And that's a good thing, because, remember kids, if the zombies can't find you, they can't eat you. And if you don't smell like food, they'll be much less likely to find you.

Explosions Are Not Your Friends

2010-11-10T12:23:00.000-08:00

While simply blowing shit up may seem like a simple and effective way to dispatch the living dead, the truth is, it's much less effective and much more destructive than you might think.

Consider first that the fumes created by obliterated the living dead may be contaminated and that by inhaling the smoke from the blast, you may be exposing yourself to the undeadly Zed Virus.

Consider next that explosions are dangerous and that if you are not an expert in pyrotechnics you are just as likely to blow your own head off as you are to blow up the living dead.

And finally, consider that in blowing up the living dead, you may also be blowing up buildings - buildings that could provide shelter necessary for your survival - buildings that might contain tools, weapons, and even people, who may help ensure your survival - buildings that if demolished could end up blocking the roads that could lead to your eventual escape from the overrun city.

Here's my solution and latest tip.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids, put that dynamite back up on the shelf. Remember, as I always say, safety first.
Now, I'm not saying you should never use explosives on the living dead. All's I'm saying is this: do not use explosives as your first and only resort. Use them sparingly. Be cautious. Consider other options. Consider the damage you may be causing when you do choose to blow shit up.

So, before you throw caution to the wind and start pressing that detonator, let's keep in mind just a few important safety rules for explosives.

Here's what you'll need:

Gas mask (remember, kids, blowing up zombies can release deadly, contaminated fumes)
Fire extinguisher
Safety glasses
Explosives expert (if possible)

Here's what to do:

Don't blow your dick off. Just don't.

Do not light the fuse on your dynamite until you are ready for it to explode. Do not use more dynamite than necessary.

Do not mix chemicals if you don't know what will happen. Peroxide and acetone? Not a good idea.

Put on your gas mask before blowing up any undead. Use your fire extinguisher to put out any lingering flames. And remember, your firearm should always be your preliminary weapon. Don't assume that the blast zone is now safe just because you obliterated everything within a two-block radius. There may have been zombies outside the blast zone that could easily sneak up on you while you're hi-fiving your buddies. Stay vigilant, my friends.

Guy Fawkes Day

2010-11-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Guy Fawkes Day everyone.

Remember, remember, the 5th of November
The gunpowder treason and plot
I know of no reason
why the gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot.

Intoxication

2010-10-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

While it may not save your life in the event that you are mauled by zombies, it will certainly dull the pain. It's also really fun. You know what I'm talking about, boys and girls. I'm talking about the wonderful world of intoxication.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! It's Halloween! I haven't spent the last month preparing you with drinking games, drink recipes, and drinking mugs for nothing. It's all led up to one thing: intoxication.

You've heard it all before: "Drinking is bad." Yeah, yeah. Bla-ba-dee-blah.
It may be so, but there's also this to consider: it's fun. It's a great way to celebrate the holidays. It's a social thing to do. All your friends are probably doing it.

From wikipedia, on intoxication:

"In humans, common symptoms may include slurred speech, euphoria, impaired balance, poor coordination, flushed face, reddened eyes, reduced inhibition, and erratic behavior."

Awesome, right?

Sluggish behavior is also a common symptom of intoxication, which sucks if you're trying to flee for your life from the living dead. Combined with poor coordination and impaired balance, alcohol will severely limit your chances of surviving a zombie attack. However, in the event that you're likely to snuff it anyway, the pros outweigh the cons. I'm sure anyone would much rather be eaten alive by the dead when they're drunk rather than sober.

Again, from wikipedia:

"High-alcohol liquor has been used in the past as an agent for dulling pain, due to the CNS depressant effects of ethyl alcohol, a notable example being the American Civil War. However, the ability of alcohol to "kill pain" may be inferior to many analgesics used today (e.g. morphine, codeine)."

So, if you can get your hands on some morphine or codeine, so much the better. Otherwise, booze it is.

Here's what you'll need:

Booze (as previously mentioned)

Here's what to do:

Drink copiously

Now, allow me to contradict everything I just said above, with a handy-dandy...Disclaimer: safety first, kids. Drink responsibly. Never operate a motor vehicle, heavy machinery, chainsaw, or fully automatic firearm while under the influence of alcohol. Do not consume alcohol while pregnant or if you are taking any medication. Maggie X takes no responsibility for your stupid antics, alcohol poisoning, drinking and driving, etc etc.

Zombie Dice

2010-10-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

Ever heard of Zombie Dice? It's like Yahtzee! but for zombies. In fact, the rules are so simple, even a zombie could play.

The goal: to collect more braaaaaiiiiins than the other players.

How to play:

You shake up the dice in a cup, take out three, and then roll the dice. Set aside the brains on one side and the shotgun blasts on the other side. If you roll feet, that means your victim ran away.
Keep feet in front of you. If you choose to roll again, these will be included in your next roll.
After rolling the dice, you can choose to keep your brains and end your turn or roll again and try to get more. If you get three shotgun blasts, though, your turn is over and you lose the brains.
If you get 13 brains, you win the game.

Click here for a demo.

Simple? Yes. Fun? Meh...could be better.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Halloween's just around the corner and there just aren't enough drinking games, right? Don't worry. Maggie X is here to help.

Here's what you'll need:

Zombie Dice Game
Alcohol of your choice
Shot glasses
Friends (optional)

Here's what to do:

Follow the rules of Zombie Dice with just a few additional rules.

1. After your turn is over, count up how many brains you successfully collected. Distribute these brains as shots. For example, if you collected 4 brains, you can distribute 4 shots to other players. You can give them all to one player (ie: "you take 4 shots") or spread them out (ie: "the four of you must each take 1 shot").

2. If you are shotgunned, drink the amount of brains you built up and lost (ie: you had 5 brains set aside before getting shotgunned - so you take 5 shots).

3. If you roll 3 brains in a single roll, drink the amount of brains you've built up and lost in that turn...PLUS the amount of brains you've collected throughout the game.

4. When someone wins the game, the other players have to take a number of shots equal to the amount of brains they fell short from the winner. (ie: if you got 12 brains, 13-12 = 1 shot...but if you only got 1 brain, 13-1 = 12 shots!)

Maggie X takes no responsibility for any alcohol poisoning, underage drinking, liver damage, drinking and driving, or stupid antics. Have fun and be responsible, kids! Stole this one from boardgamegeek.com

Zombie Booze Labels

2010-10-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

I found these awesome bottle labels at Spirit of Halloween. You just peel off the label on your booze and replace it with one of these Halloween novelty labels. Totally awesome way to drink booze and stay in the Halloween spirit at the same time. These will go great with the drinking game I posted last week.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week
Hey kids! Fancy a pint of Samuel Deadman's rotten lager? Maybe some Jamaican Dead Stripe? Well, look no further than Spirit of Halloween.

Here's what you'll need:

Beer (in bottles, not cans)
Spooky labels

Here's what to do:

Just peel off the labels on your beer (you may have to soak them in water first to get the label to come off) and slap on the spooky novelty labels. Now you've got yourself a kickass party accessory that you can drink.

You can also get novelty labels for your hard liquor or your soda bottles.

Zombie Drinking Game

2010-10-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

Halloween's coming! That means drinking games! Jed, Jenny De Kaye, Mr. O, a couple of the guys from AIMS (American Institute of Mad Science), and I had a blast playing this game a few years ago.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Get out those old zombie flicks. It's time to turn those old cliches into excuses to take shots.

Here's what you'll need:

Shot glasses
Sourpuss
Vodka
Whiskey
Jello Shot
Zombie film (any film will do)
Bucket (just in case)

Here's what to do:

Pop that tape in the VCR. Just kidding, kids. I'm down with 2010. Stick yo' Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead, Zombieland, 28 Decades Later, or Resident Evil 5 in yo' Blu Ray Player.

Follow these simple rules:

1. Any time a woman is bitten, all the girls take a shot.
2. Any time a guy is bitten, all the guys take a shot.
3. Any time someone drops the B word (Braiiiins) you take a shot of whiskey.
4. Any time a zombie is shot in the head, take a shot of vodka.
5. Any time someone is bitten but tries to hide it, the first person to shout "fuck you!" gets to point at another player, who must take a shot of their choice.
6. Any time someone revs their chainsaw, pop one of those jello shots.
7. Any time someone uses a "one-liner" all players must recite the dialogue word for word. The last player to recite the quote must take a shot of whiskey.
8. Any time a zombie is seen eating someone's severed body parts, take a shot of sourpuss.

Zombie Tiki Mugs

2010-10-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

Zombie Tiki Mugs everybody! Zombie Tiki Mugs!

Will they help you survive in a zombie-infested post-apocalyptic metropolis? No, they most certainly will not. But they will certainly help make things more festive and entertaining.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! It's a beautiful tiki mug crafted lovingly by the good folks at munktiki.com! Each mug is a unique variation of the zombie monkey shown above. Some are splattered with blood, others infested with worms. Some are slimy, oozing, gooey, or decayed.

There are also magnetic capuchin zombies available!

"Magno Capuchin Zombie is 7 1/2 inches tall and holds 3 1/2 cups of delight. The mugs have magnetic points where you can attach different eyes, hats, ears, and mouth items. Each mug comes with one full set of attachments. Extra attachments will be sold separately so you can mix and match your Magno Skullhead for loads of fun. Check it out Capuchin's mouth is open so you can put items like gummy worms, small animal brains and all sorts of fun stuff in it."

There's also the wonderful retro zombie. He looks like one of the Beatles.

Here's what to do:

Get out your mom's credit card, kids! It's time to go online shopping!
Step 1. Click here.
Step 2. Click on the buy now button.
Step 3. Follow the website's instructions.
Step 4. Fill your new tiki mug with the delicious Zombie Cocktail!

We Are The Dead

2010-10-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a huge fan of the British band Does It Offend You, Yeah? and just cannot get enough of their new track, We Are The Dead. I thought the title was fitting enough for the blog.

Zombie Cocktail

2010-10-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

Halloween is coming! With that in mind, let's get fucked up! I'll be blogging about drink recipes, drinking games, drinking glasses, and basically just all things drinking-related, all with a zombie spin. Today, we'll be making a Zombie cocktail.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you want to get good and drunk this Halloween? I thought you might.

Here's what you'll need:

1/2 oz 151 rum
1 oz pineapple juice
1 oz orange juice
1/2 oz apricot brandy
1 tsp sugar
2 oz light rum
1 oz dark rum
1 oz lime juice

Here's what to do:

Blend all ingredients with ice except Bacardi 151 proof rum. Pour into a collins glass or a tiki cup. Float Bacardi 151 proof rum on top.

Garnish with a fruit slice, sprig of mint and a cherry. Also, an umbrella might be nice.

Drink and repeat.

Buy A Helicopter

2010-09-25T12:27:00.000-07:00

First, watch this video. Pretend the Vietnamese people are zombies.

Now imagine going head to head against an army of the living dead without a military helicopter of your very own. You can't, can you?

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids. Hope you've been saving your allowance. It's time to get out the ol' piggy bank.

Here's what you'll need:

Money
Helicopter lisence
Permit to operate heavy artilery (alternatively, you must be good at keeping secrets from the government)

Here's what to do:

You may want to spend a little bit of time doing research before actually purchasing a helicopter, considering the price tag on them and considering the amount of shady people there are on the internet. You may be able to purchase your helicopter through a government/police auction, assuming you live in a city whose police/government actually owns a helicopter or two to auction off. If not, I found this great website where you can actually buy helicopters. How awesome is that, right?

Buy a Helicopter!

So, some of these retail for $1,895,000. You're probably thinking, are you crazy? I can't spend that kind of money. Well, if you're married, that may be true. But think about your future - it's filled with zombies. If you think about it, buying a helicopter is just good planning. What better way to prepare for your future and protect your loved ones from being eaten alive by brain-hungry corpses?

Still having doubts? Watch this video.

Do Your Laundry

2010-09-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

The boy scouts had it right. Their motto, be prepared, is applicable in any situation. Be prepared for anything that comes your way, any contingency, any event, any outcome, any eventuality. Even in the event of a zombie apocalypse, the boy scouts would urge you to be prepared, as would Scar from the Lion King.

That being said, one of the things you might forget to prepare when prepping for the zombie threat, is clean clothes. Even if I'm fleeing from unspeakably horrific undead creatures who long to sink their teeth into my skull and feast on my brains, I'd be much happier doing so with a duffel bag of clean laundry. So, don't wait until the zombies are banging at your door and climbing through smashed windows to get at you. Pop in a load of laundry now, while it's safe.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Tired of your parents always nagging you to pick your clothes up off the floor and do your laundry? Well, suck it up buttercup. Those clothes aren't going to wash themselves. And trust me, if you spend the rest of your post-apocalyptic life with only the clothes on your back, you are going to stink to high heaven. And that, my friend, will drive away all of your friends. And you'll need those friends to survive.

Here's what you'll need:

Laundry hamper
Washing machine (or coins for the laundromat)
Dryer (or clothesline, or more coins for the laundromat)
Detergent
Fabric Softener (optional)

Here's what to do:

After wearing your clothes, throw them into the laundry hamper.
Toss the clothes from your laundry hamper into the washing machine. (If you don't own a washing machine, use a laundromat. Laundromat washing machines may be coin or card-operated. Be sure to pay using the appropriate method.)
Add laundry detergent as per washing machine directions.
Once clothes are washed, remove from washing machine and place in dryer. Alternatively, hang the clean clothes on a clothesline to air dry.
Add fabric softener to prevent static cling.
Once your clothes are clean and dry, pack up a duffel bag with a few necessary items: pants, shirt, underwear, socks, sweater. Don't forget to pack a travel toothbrush, toothpaste, and a stick of deodorant.

Protect Your Noggin

2010-09-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

If I were a downhill cyclist who wanted to "push the envelope of downhill and freeride possibilities," this is the helmet I would sport.

Knives

2010-09-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

It gets tiresome carrying around boatloads of guns all day like you're freaking Rambo. You've got to limit the amount of weapons you carry, so you can be agile, quick, able to sprint for your life at a moment's notice. So you can't just go toting around chainsaws, machine guns, ammunition belts, grenades, and more guns all day long. Sometimes, you've got to pack light.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Zombies walk slowly because they're dead, but if you carry too many weapons, you'll walk even slower because you'll be tired and overloaded. Plus, you'll sink the boat if you have to make a fast, aquatic escape. So instead of carrying around only guns, explosives, and ammunition (very heavy stuff, kids), why not carry something light and sharp?

Here's what you'll need:

Knife with strap

Here's what to do:

Just strap that bad boy to your thigh so it's concealed and sexy-looking like how Angelina Jolie might wear it. Get one for your ankle and a couple to strap on your chest. Keeping straps with weapon holsters is a quick, easy, and efficient way to carry more backup weaponry without tying up your hands. Just remember, don't strap on more than you can carry. Keep it light, and try to stick to the essentials. This is particularly important if you're small, skinny, have no muscles, or if you're just out of shape.

Cocaine

2010-09-02T16:23:00.000-07:00

In a fight for your life, what's more important - a few little brain cells...or all of your brains? I'm gonna go with all of your brains. That being said, please consider this Tip of the Week for emergencies only.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you love putting things up your nose? Thought so. Well, I'm here to tell you about the wonders of a little white powder you may have heard of. It's called cocaine. Your parents will probably tell you that cocaine is bad for you. Well, most of the time that's absolutely true.

However, what your parents probably failed to mention is that there may be circumstances in which a little bit of cocaine might actually be a good thing. When the living dead are banging at your door, for example, a little bit of cocaine isn't going to hurt anyone. In fact, a little bit of cocaine might be just the thing to get you going. It increases energy, alertness, feelings of confidence, and even creates an artificial sense of euphoria, all of which can be helpful when facing the threat of the living dead.

My basic scientific understanding is that cocaine inhibits the serotonin-dopamine-norepinephrine reuptake, thereby affecting the mesolimbic reward pathway. In other words, it makes you feel good. Cocaine can also be used as a topical anesthetic.

I haven't tried the hyped-up-on-drugs zombie fighting method myself, but some of my colleagues swear by it.

My wikipedia research gave me this gem of a quote.

"In 1609, Padre Blas Valera wrote:
Coca protects the body from many ailments, and our doctors use it in powdered form to reduce the swelling of wounds, to strengthen broken bones, to expel cold from the body or prevent it from entering, and to cure rotten wounds or sores that are full of maggots. And if it does so much for outward ailments, will not its singular virtue have even greater effect in the entrails of those who eat it?"

Here's what you'll need:

Money
A Dealer
Credit card (for drawing lines)

Here's what to do:

Spend money. Buy drugs. Put them in your nose.

Remember kids, do not exceed the recommended dosage prescribed by your dealer. Do not take cocaine if you are pregnant or if you will be operating heavy machinery, using a chainsaw or firearm, or if you have a medical condition which requires you to avoid street drugs.

Side effects include but are not limited to: suppressed appetite, anxiety, paranoia, increased body temperature.
See a physician if you experience any of the following side effects: tremors, convulsions, itching, hallucinations, tachycardia, paranoid delusions, psychosis, unconsciousness, lethargy, depression, death

Telekinesis

2010-08-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, we've all seen X-Men by now. We have all considered how Jean Gray/The Phoenix would fare in a fight against the living dead. To answer that question, she'd do much better than you would. On an interesting side note, there is actually a comic called Marvel Zombies, which is about living dead superheroes. Anyway, my point is that your odds of surviving a zombie apocalypse would be much higher if you had super-powers, specifically telekinesis.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Are you telekinetic? No? Well, you should be!

Telekinesis, known to Star Wars fans as The Force, is the paranormal ability of the mind to influence physical objects, time, space, or energy, without the use of physical manipulation. In other words, it's awesome.

According to learn-telekinesis-training.com/, anyone can learn telekinesis with practice, which is good news for you, because it could come in very handy when the hungry dead rise from their graves.

Here's what you'll need:

Patience. Telekinesis is apparently pretty difficult to learn. If it wasn't, everyone would be walking around moving shit with their minds, which would totally take away all the fun.

Here's what to do:

Follow the directions on the learn-telekinesis-training website (Click here). I can't really be more specific than that. I kind of got tired of reading and besides, I kind of find telekinesis a bit far-fetched. But personally, I don't need telekinesis to fight zombies. I'm awesome. You have fun learning telekinesis though and good luck.

Get Permission, Then Buy Car

2010-08-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

When the zombie apocalypse strikes, it is important to be prepared. You may want to escape town on a motorcycle. You may want to drive a Hummer, or even a tank. But whatever your extravagant but necessary purchase, it is important that you have the proper permission...unlike poor Steve, whose motorbike had to go back.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you want to make your escape or be mowed down by a gang of the hungry dead? Probably make you escape, right? Well, before you go out shopping for that perfect vehicle, there's just one little thing you have to keep in mind.

Here's what you'll need:

Permission
Money
Driver's License

Here's what to do:

Secure permission. Go shopping. Be sure to give that bike a little test spin before you drive it out of the shop. And be sure it's in good condition too. The last thing you need is to have your vehicle break down while you're crusing down a zombie-infested highway.

Keep Your Guns Safely Stored

2010-07-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids, this tip is for mommy and daddy. But it is important for you to know what to do if a gun is improperly stored. Let a responsible adult know if their firearms are not properly stored. Firearms should always be kept in a safe place and locked so that they are inaccessible to children, inexperienced users, idiots, and animals.

Here's what you'll need:

Gun cabinet
Lock
Key

Here's what to do:

Put your guns away, people. Lock them up. Make sure your kids and idiot friends do not have access to your gun cabinet. Simply putting your gun in the closet where you think your kids can't reach does not count as properly storing your guns.

Even pets have been known to accidentally shoot their owners...so don't let your python near your glock. That sounds like a rap song.

Anyway, I don't think Jed should have access to guns. And yet he is an Agent with a license to kill. Oh, irony.

Ballistics Calculator

2010-07-20T02:09:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep. Jed is an asshole. He phoned me, drunk, at like one in the morning and woke me up. Couldn't get back to bed. So here I am, blogging. Which sucks, because that's what I was planning to do at work tomorrow anyway. Anyway, on with the tip of the week.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! If you love technology as much as normal people do, you'll love this. It's the Winchester Ballistics Calculator!

What does it do? Basically, you input various data, such as ammunition type, wind speed, outside temperature, etc, and it gives you easy-to-read but high-tech ballistics charts and graphs.

Here's what you'll need:

Computer with internet access
HP Inkjet Printer...
OR
...iPhone

Here's what to do:

You've got two options! Yay. You can either use the online version and print off your ballistics with your HP Inkjet Printer...
OR
...Download the iPhone app and take your ballistics into the field with you. This will make it much easier for you to accurately pick off the living dead from a safe distance, all while still being able to make and receive calls, send text messages, or listen to your favourite tunes.

Buck Up For Bullets

2010-07-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

You know what sucks? No name Kraft Dinner. No name Corn Flakes. No name ketchup.

Know what else sucks? No name bullets.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you want to be able to shoot zombies at a greater range and with greater accuracy than your cheap-ass friends? Well then, buck up.

Here's what you'll need:

Paper route
Piggy bank

Here's what to do:

Work paper route. Store money in piggy bank. When you've got enough saved up, use that extra cash for those name brand bullets you so desperately need when shooting long distance. Nobody wants to be devoured alive just because they were too cheap to shell out the extra cash.

Examples of name band ammunition you may wish to try? Hornady, Federal, Winchester.

Safety first, kids. Always have an adult help with loading your handgun.

Don't Smoke

2010-07-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, this tip is extra important around flammable materials. It's also important for your general health and well-being.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids, you know I don't like to sound preachy. None of that "drugs are bad, mmkay," "smoking's bad, mmkay," "swearing's bad, mmkay," nonsense around here. But let's get serious. Smoking is bad. Mmkay.

Here are just a few reasons why.

1. Surgeon general says so. Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy. Cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide.

2. Smoking affects your physical health. Translation: your running speed and endurance will be affected. This is bad news if you have to outrun a hungry mob of the living dead.

3. Gun powder is flammable. If firearms are a part of your zombie survival plan, you may want to consider ways to avoid lighting yourself on fire. This may mean butting out. In particular, don't smoke around gunpowder, after handling gunpowder, or while cleaning your gun. Gun-cleaning fluids tend to be flammable too.

4. Explosives are flammable. Again, if explosives are part of your survival plan, smoking should not be. Keep in mind though if you are using explosives, do not inhale the fumes from your cremated enemies; they may contain traces of the Zed Virus.

5. The money you save from not smoking can be spent on guns and ammunition. Need I say more?

So here's what you'll need:

Nicorette or other quit smoking patch (Optional if you intend to go cold turkey)

Here's what to do:

Use your hard-earned cash on something much more important than cigarettes: bullets. Because it's much easier to kill a zombie with a bullet than a cigarette.

Now enjoy listening to the Quitting Smoking Song.

How To Shoot A Handgun

2010-07-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, July is Guns & Ammo Month on Maggie X. Yay.

If you've never fired a handgun before, never held one in your hands, never so much as even looked at one, then you are probably not a member of my social circle. To me, you are as mysterious and fantastical as a unicorn. It is time that you step into the world of reality. It is time for you to learn how to shoot a handgun.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Don't you just love how in Hollywood action movies, everyone knows how to use a gun? I'm told that real life isn't like that. In fact, there was once a time when I didn't even know how to use a gun. All of that changes here and now.

Here's what you'll need:

Handgun
License (Depending on your country/state/municipality's law, you may be required to have a permit to operate a firearm)
Target

Here's what to do:

Safety first, kids.
It may be a wise idea to read the instruction manual on your handgun before using it. Not all handguns are the same. There are many different makes and models with various features.

Wear appropriate safety gear: earmuffs or earplugs to protect against the noise, safety goggles to protect your eyes.

Next, find a suitable target. This may involve heading out to the shooting range, or it may be a simple trip out into the forest to look for a moving target such as a squirrel or a reindeer.

Don't put your finger on the trigger until you're ready to shoot. Don't load the gun until you're ready to shoot. Keep the safety on until you're ready to shoot. Be sure that the barrel of the weapon is pointed away from you (Safety First!) and that there is nobody standing in the way.

Insert magazine. Pull back the slide and release it to load the chamber. For a revolver, you will have to load the rounds into the barrel (very tedious and time-consuming...not ideal for fighting the living dead).

Hold the handgun in your good hand (remember kids, point away from yourself and away from your friends), holding the grip of the weapon firmly. Keep that pesky finger away from the trigger until you're all set. Use your other hand for support, holding the other side of the frame. Don't put your fingers in front of the barrel.

Choose a firing position (sitting, standing, crouching, lying down, etc) and assume the position (haha).

Aim. Align the front sight with the rear sight. It is a good idea to close one eye so you are only looking with your good eye.

Once you are all set, gradually squeeze the trigger. Do not "jerk" the trigger. Simply keep pulling the trigger gradually until it goes off. It is best to time the shooting with your breathing. Take a breath, and exhale as you fire. This will help you to stay relaxed and focused.

Attempt to fire numerous rounds in a row - be sure to realign your sights and take your time. Keep in mind that the recoil will throw you off-balance a bit so you will have to aim each time you want to fire. Practice, practice, practice. And have fun. Firing a gun can be very cathartic.

Once you're done, be sure to unload the weapon. Double-check that it is unloaded. Triple-check that it is unloaded. Store your weapon properly and safely (make sure children can't get at it). Wash your hands and face - gunpowder residue can be toxic.

Check Your Boat

2010-06-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

Jesus is holy. Your boat shouldn't be. So why wait till the last minute to check it for damage?

If your zombie survival plan includes use of boats, you'd better make damn sure your boat is in top condition.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you plan to go boating this Zed Day? If so, you may want to do a little upgrading, or, at the very least, ensure your boat is sink-proof and prepared for a quick get-away. Can zombies swim, you ask? Well, I doubt it. But they don't need to breathe, either, so they might be wandering around on the bottom of the lake, so I wouldn't suggest that you go for a swim in shallow water.

Anyway, here's what you'll need:

Boat
Boating license
Motor
Paddles (just in case)
Lifejacket or PFD

Here's what to do:

Inspect your boat for damage regularly. Patch any holes.

Test it out. Go for a boat ride, see you fast you can go.

Time how long it takes to get in your boat and cast off. Try to increase your speed if possible. If you are expecting this to be a quick process, you'd better practice and see you quickly you can actually take off. And remember, as seen in 28 Weeks Later, your propellor can make for an effective weapon if necessary.

But most importantly, don't be cheap.

Don't get this boat...

Nah... get this boat:

Or this boat:

Stand Up And Pee, Ladies

2010-06-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

Uh huh, so here's the scenario...You're sittin' down, bustin' a squirt in the ladies' room, when the door busts open and a zombie rears its ugly head and peaks at your cooter. Embarrassing, terrifying, and altogether unfortunate. You've been caught with your pants down. Before you can stand up, hoist your pants up, and get your gun from its holster, undead jaws are clamping down on your carotid. Sorry to tell you, but you are dead.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey girls (and also lazy boys)! Don't want to get eaten while you're doing your business? Here's a simple and helpful tip from me, Maggie X. Keep your cheeks off the seat. Say what? you ask. Say what?

Say what indeed my faithful readers. The time has come for all you ladies to stand up, take charge, let loose, and pee, all at the same time.

Here's what you'll need:

pStyle

Here's what to do:

The pStyle website gives these clear directions for pStyle usage:

"Loose pants with a zipper and underwear with a fly are ideal but other outfits can be accommodated. Pull underwear to the side if it doesn't have a fly, taking care that it is fully out of the way. Place the pStyle so the widest part is between your legs and centered under your urethra. Tilt the open end slightly down, relax, and pee. It may feel strange at first but don't worry - relaxing is key. When you have completely finished peeing, bend your knees slightly and pull the pStyle forward to remove the remaining drops. You can practice in the shower."

The website lists the following activities as times when the device may come in handy:

Outdoor activities – camping, back packing, skiing/snowboarding, rock climbing, bike trips, kayaking trips, hiking, caving, horseback riding, hunting, fishing
Outdoor work – military, farming, ranching, landscaping, construction, gardening
Travel and public events – music festivals, road trips, using urinals, any place with limited or unsavory public toilets
Physical reasons – sprained or broken bones, knee problems, FTMs

I would also like to add zombies to that list.

Tasers

2010-06-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

Tasers have been somewhat controversial as of late. A lot of questions have been raised. Should police be using tasers? How can we be sure that tasers are being used justifiably? More importantly, where can I get one?

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Just because the dead don't feel pain doesn't mean you can't taser them. Kids, these are not toys. They've got a lot more shock power than your dog's anti-bark collar. Use that as a toy instead. Use your taser on the undead.

Here's what you'll need:

Taser (obviously)

Here's what to do:

Use the taser sparingly. It should not be your primary weapon, but your backup plan. If one of them undead sumbitches gets a little too close, just zap the fucker and watch him drop to the ground and convulse. On second thought, don't stick around to watch. Use the time you've just bought yourself for running away.

I'm Not a Doctor, I'm Just Medically Knowledgeable

2010-06-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

So, you want to prove yourself useful amongst your group of postapocalyptic survivors so you don't get cast into a sea of hungry dead. But you're a doctor, so making yourself useful shouldn't be a problem for you. Only trouble is, you don't want to seem too useful.

I mean, being a doctor in a postapocalyptic zombie-infested world is not really as much of a breeze as it sounds like. "Doctor, doctor, my wife has been bitten. Please help her!"

You can protest all you like, offer a few, I-can't-help-her's, but in the end, you know that the wailing protesting mob believes your medical knowledge to be equal to God's and so you relent. "I'll see what I can do," you say. "If we just amputate the leg and build a tourniquet, maybe the infection won't spread."

After congratulating yourself on an amputation and tourniquet well done, you retire to your sleeping area for the night, where you are awoken shortly thereafter by an anxious youth with a dirty, sweaty face, who insists that you "come right away!"

When you arrive, the patient seems to be feverish, her face bloated and swollen like a corpse, her breathing is shallow, and her severed limb appears....dare you even think it?....necrotic. You stoop over to check the victim's pulse, failing to notice just how dreadfully close your carotid artery has gotten to the patient's incisors. As you turn back, announcing, "I'm sorry. She didn't make it," they begin to protest, "No, she's alive. She just moved."

Startled, you whirl around, just in time to introduce your jugular to a grotesque puppet vaguely reminiscent of the jaws of a living human, a puppet crafted from a dead woman's useless flesh and enamel.

Consider now, scenario number two. "Yeah, first aid, I know a little bit about that. I took that babysitting course when I was twelve. Amputation? Shit, I'd be proud if I could keep track of which leg is your left and which is your right."

"Very well," says the grisly-looking man with the sawed-off shotgun who seems to fancy himself as some sort of leader, "You'll assist Dr. Janzen with the surgery."

"Okie doke," you reply, "But I'll need a gun."

They hand you a pistol, and you make your way to the operating room, where you stand back and hand Doc Janzen a scalpel. You dutifully protest when the doc prounces the patient dead, and you make no hesitation to put a bullet through the good doctor's skull when the patient opens his jugular with her teeth.

Personally, I prefer scenario number two. Somehow, zombies always set upon doctors like bird shit on a slick black car freshly emerged from the carwash.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Here's what you'll need:

First Aid Certificate
Paper Shredder

Here's what to do:

Obtain first aid certificate, and when the zombie plague strikes, stick that doctorate in the shredder. Even if you're just a shrink or a professor of linguistics, people tend to get carried away when they hear the word doctor. You don't want anyone coming across any compromising evidence that might indicate your profession. Avoid being a doctor at all costs. Basic first aid, people, basic first aid. Bandaids and slings, treatment for nosebleeds. All other injuries should be treated with shotguns. Except maybe headaches and period cramps - use Advil for that.

Patient Zero

2010-05-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

Patient Zero, by Jonathan Maberry

After a lengthy battle with the library to be able to borrow this book long enough to read it, I have finished reading Patient Zero.

The novel is a political thriller about a top secret government agency that has sprung up out of nowhere to take down a potential terrorist cell that threatens to release a biological weapon that has the potential to wipe out the entire human race. Those who are infected show no signs of life, no pulse, no breathing, no pain response, and yet they walk about as if still alive, hence their nickname Walkers. The Walkers, like any modern-day zombies, have a tendency to try to kill - or to be more accurate - to bite their victims, thus spreading the infection.

Pretty awesome concept, and pretty well-executed. I was hooked from beginning to end. The action scenes were tense. The bad guys were actually well-constructed and believable. The science behind the zombie outbreak was well-conceived and believable. I had only a few complaints.

First, it was surprisingly slow-paced, which explains the thickness of the book. There was a lot of lengthy dialogue and explanation of the virus/pathogen/whatever you want to call it, and a lot of that tended to slow down the action.

Second, it was very easy to lose track of the names of the characters. I could keep track of some of the major players - El Mujahid, the lead terrorist; Sebastian Gault, the rich financier; Toys, his assistant; Mr. Church, the head of the DMS; Grace Courtland, head of Alpha Team; Amirah, mad scientist behind the zombie plague; and of course Joe Ledger, our hero and sometimes narrator when the novel slipped into first person. But after that I start to lose track of who's who. Joe's team consists of Top, Skip, Bunny, Ollie, and maybe someone else, I can't remember. And those aren't their code names. Those are their real names. When they're first introduced, Joe nicknames them all. Then when he learns their names he drops the nicknames and just refers to them by name as if I should be able to remember which nickname used to apply to them.

And finally, Joe Ledger was some sort of hybrid combination of James Bond, Dirty Harry, Jason Bourne, and Bruce Campbell, with all of their strengths and none of their weaknesses. He's a big guy, he's strong, he works out, he's extremely intelligent, he's thoughtful, he's a really down-to-earth nice guy, he's the best man in a hand-to-hand fight, not to mention a perfect sharpshooter, he never loses his cool in the heat of the most intense battle imaginable (though he comes close once or twice), he's quick on his feet, quick to make decisions, and has strong leadership qualities. So, yeah, while I kind of have a mad case of girl wood for him, I still have trouble finding him believable or even likeable. You know, when someone's just too good to be true, even if they're really nice, we kind of tend to think they're an asshole. Yeah, that's Joe Ledger. Not to mention the author looks kinda geeky (going by the author photo on the back) so I kind of have this image of Johnny Maberry inventing Joe Ledger as his own alter ego - the guy he wishes he could be - and then inventing stories about him where he's the ultimate badass and always gets the girl and saves the day. I picture Jonathan Maberry as being more like Dr. Hu than like Joe Ledger though (Dr. Hu is the geeky fanboy who nearly pisses his pants and the sight of real zombies but has the whole Marvel Zombies collection of action figures on his desk). I think partly the reason I find Joe to be an unbelievable character is because he reminds me of Jed if he weren't an absolute prick.

Anyway, still an awesome book. Definitely worth a read. It's an interesting change of pace from your usual zombie novels and has some really badass action scenes.

And if you go here, you can sign up to receive Countdown, a never-before-released free Joe Ledger story.

Quotes:

"I'm not sure I could trust a man who would bypass an Oreo in favor of vanilla wafers. It's a fundamental character flaw, possibly a sign of evil."

"Is this one of those 'we're so secret we don't have a name' things?"

"Our walker gets up because the parasite has kept the motor cortex going as well as some of the cranial nerves - the ones governing balance, chewing, swallowing, and so on. However, most of the organs are in shutdown and the reduced blood and oxygen flow has caused irreparable brain damage to the higher functions such as cognition. The heart pumps only a little blood, and the lungs operate at an almost negligible level. Circulation is so significantly reduced that necrosis begins to occur in disused parts of the body. So, we have nearly a classic brain-dead, flesh-hungry, rotting zombie. It's beautiful, man, absolutely freaking beautiful."

"What, you think a terrorist with a Ph.D. in chemistry watched a sci-fi flick and thought 'Hey, that's a good way to kill Americans'?"

"'Denial is stupid. We're fighting the living dead. Would you prefer we call them 'undead citizens'? I mean, I originally wanted to call them ALFs.'
I looked from him to Church. 'Alien Lifeless Forms,' Church said with a wooden face.
'Get it?" Hu said, 'Because they're illegal aliens.'
I said, 'How do people not shoot you?'"

Rating:

★★★★☆

Be Shit Scared

2010-05-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, your fortified shelter has been compromised. The undead are moving into your shelter faster than a line of shoppers on Boxing Day and they're about to be on you like a fat kid on a plate of ravioli. What to do, what to do....I know! Let's stop and aim at their heads! Bahhhhnn! (that's a buzzer noise) Wrong!

When given the option between fight or flight, you say? FLIGHT!!! Ding-ding-ding! Now we're on to something.

When shit hits the fan, that's right folks, get the fuck out of there. Don't stick around trying to look calm and sweatless like James Bond, because believe me when I say, there's never been "James Bond in Goldencorpse" and there's a reason for that. There's also never been a Charnel House Royale, Quantam of Solanum, The Man With the Golden Chainsaw, or even The Spy Who Masticated Me.

My point is this: unless you have a good vantage point from which you can pick off zombies one by one with headshots, you probably aren't going to have enough time to really pick your shots. Am I saying you should just fire at random and hope for the best? Fuck no. I'm saying you'll probably run faster without the gun. It's ok to be shit scared.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Want to look like a badass picking off zombies one by one with headshots while they swarm around you and attempt to consume your intestines like so much spaghetti?

Too bad! You're more likely to soil yourself than hit even one zombie in the face with a headshot. Your fingers are gonna be shaking so much you won't know which way is up and which way is down. And I'm not just saying that to be mean. I'm also saying it because your survival may depend on your realization that there's no shame in cowardice.

Bravery is overrated. Head-shots are overrated. Sure, it's pretty much the only way to effectively re-terminate a zombie. And sure, the cowardly guy in the movie is always one of the first to die because he always just takes off running and usually ends up heading straight for the killer. But in real life everyone is a coward. There are the cowards who think that standing their ground and being eaten alive is brave. But the truly brave are the ones brave enough to admit to their own cowardice. Damn I hate paradoxes.

Here's what you'll need:

Self Help Books: 0
Testicles: 0

Here's what you need to do:

Be shit scared.

Brain Bowl

2010-05-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you like cereal? Do you like catching zombies? Well then, what are you waiting for? Serve your Cap'n Crunch in a bowl like this for perfect zombie bait.

You can get one here.

Picnic of the Living Dead

2010-05-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Seriously, although I hate Mr. O for having sent me on assignment to Winnipeg, Canada, there actually do seem to be a fair number of organized zombie events here. Next event is a zombie picnic - chilling concept, isn't it? Little picnic baskets filled with brains and limbs and such? Eerie. I think Maggie X will have to make an appearance, this time with or without Jed. I'll go undercover, dressed as one of the hungry dead.

The event is on August 1st and starts at 7:30 pm at the University of Winnipeg. The dead will be walking from there to Vimy Ridge Park, where they will be entertained by fire dancers and tribalistic drumming. I always thought zombies hated fire, but whatevs. It is so nice these days, that the dead are on facebook. Makes it so much easier to find them.

Brain Cupcakes

2010-05-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

They say "know your enemy." Well, our enemy is dead and eats brains. Most of us have never eaten brains before. To get inside the filthy heads of our dead enemies, perhaps we should just eat these delicious-looking brain cupcakes made by flickr user xsomnis instead.

Here's a link to her photo set of brain cupcakes with instructions.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you like brains? No? Well, how bout cupcakes? Yeah, me too. Well, with this tip of the week you can have your brains and eat 'em too, thanks to a lovely lady on flickr.

Here's what you'll need:

Brain mold
Candy Melts (a couple different colours together to make a pinkish grey)
Food Colouring (use red and burgundy together to get a darker red)
Caramel
Raspberry Chocolate Cake (use a standard box mix)
French Vanilla Icing (recipe at allrecipes.com)

Here's what to do:

1. Melt a couple of the lighter-coloured candy melts.
2. "Smish" some of the lighter-coloured melted candy into the brain mold. Do not skip this step. Also, use a glove.
3. Melt some of the darker colours. Experiment until you've got the colour ratio you want. Example: 20 pink, 12 blue, 4 brown.
4. Fill the molds. Don't spill!
5. Tap the mold to remove bubbles.
6. Refrigerate, about an hour.
7. Pop out of molds.
8. Mix caramel topping and food colouring to make your blood.
9. Bake the cupcakes using cake mix.
10. Add the icing. Top with a brain. Drizzle coloured caramel on top. Voila!

OMG These Shoes!

2010-05-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking the same thing I'm thinking: "OMG Maggie, why do you not have these shoes?????"

Zombie at Tiffany's

2010-05-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

K, seriously, this T-Shirt is dope! Forsh-garran!

Stilts

2010-05-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Fact #1: Most zombies do not have the agility, dexterity, or strength to walk on stilts.
Fact #2: Even if a zombie were able to operate a pair of stilts, most zombies do not own stilts anyway.
Fact #3: Most zombies are not 10 feet tall.
Fact #4: Zombies cannot jump 6 feet in the air.
Fact #5: Stilts are cool.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you want to be too tall for the dead to get you? Me too. Unfortunately, my platforms are not big enough. The only sollution is stilts.

Here's what you'll need:

Circus Lessons
Stilts

Here's what to do:

Buy stilts. Take lessons. If you're unbalanced on stilts, then there's not much point using them, is there? Is there???

In theory, this should work. Zombies can't get you if you're up high. Just be sure they don't knock you over. Maybe you should put some spikes on your stilts, or maybe strap some guns to them. You could use a pulley system to fire them. Hey, it could work. Whatever, don't be jealous you didn't think of it first.

And if you think that's not clever enough, why not put your entire house on stilts? Zombies suck at climbing, so, y'know, getting up there would be a dilemma.

Monster Planet

2010-05-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

Monster Planet, by David Wellington

So I finally finished the third book in the Monster Trilogy, Monster Planet. Allow me to share my thoughts on this final novel in the series and on the series as a whole.

In Monster Planet, we see the return of pretty much all of our favourite characters from the first two novels. Which is fun. The novel starts with Aayan, Sarah, Fathia, Mariam, and Osman, flying around in a helicopter in Egypt and trying to kill the Tsarevich, the Russian zombie who has only been alluded to previously. Right off the hop, Mariam is killed, and Aayan is taken prisoner by the zombies, which is strange in itself. What's even stranger is that these ghouls can move extremely fast and they can coexist with humans.

So Sarah and Osman desert Fathia and the rest of her crew to embark on a perilous journey to rescue Fathia and finish off the Tsarevich, but not without the help of the ghost of Jack, who has apparently been possessing various corpses in order to communicate with Sarah for the last twelve years or so. He offers her help in the way of advice and in setting her up with some mummy pals to help her out. Mummies don't eat humans like other corpses do.

All across the globe they trek, while Aayan has her own set of adventures with nasty ghouls with sharpened bones instead of hands, giant zombies with Russian accents, a crazy scarred woman, cultists who believe that zombies are sacred holy beings, a zombie covered in fur, and a zombie that can make plants and fungus grow everywhere. But is Aayan keeping her thoughts to herself while she silently waits for an opportunity to assassinate the Tsarevich, or is she gradually coming round to their way of thinking???

There is plenty enough gore in this novel, and plenty enough death that it can be classified as a horror novel. But what is different about this novel and the trilogy as a whole, is that the monsters are not just zombies. There are zombies, mummies, ghosts, freaks who have grown to gigantic proportions, undead creatures who look like crabs, and "liches", those undead who have retained their intelligence and somehow gained super-powers in the process. Nilla can turn invisible. The "Green Phantom" can stop your heart just by thinking it, he can make other zombies go fast or slow, and he's got a badass staff made of femurs. The "Werewolf" has sharp claws and plenty of fur. Semyon Iurevich can read minds. Other superpowers range from magical healing powers to shooting balls of dark energy like some characters from Street Fighter. The intelligent undead are connected by a powerful force known as "The Network," or the eididh. This "energy" radiates from The Source and provides the dead with the energy that keeps them animated, fuels the superpowers of the liches, and allows ghosts to communicate with the living. In effect, this is a novel that is as much a fantasy novel with undead superheros and supervillains as it as a horror novel.

I have to say, my favourite book in the series was Monster Island, but Monster Planet comes a close second. I liked that it tied in elements from the first two novels. I love that Gary is back in this novel. Gary is my favourite. And even the ending was decent, and endings are always a tricky thing.

Quotes:

"Once she realized I could teach her useful things she let me take control of her body for a few minutes a day. I never did anything drastic - most of the time I just stood in front of a mirror and touched myself, to be brutally honest. Have you seen that woman? She's a knockout."

"The chainsaw slid through his flesh like so much hamburger. It bucked when it hit his spine but she pushed, shoved, grunted her way through until his torso fell away from his abdomen and both big nasty chunks of meat hit the deck."

Rating:

★★★★☆

Why do the dead smell so bad?

2010-05-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

When you go to an open-casket funeral, you may notice that the deceased doesn't smell like rot. This is due to the exciting chemical process of embalming and lovely scented perfumes. Embalming, FYI, has been around for several millenium. When you leave a dead body lying around for a couple days, weeks, months, etc, it starts to smell something fierce.

There's this old urban legend (that also happens to be true) about this guy who got totally blazed on LSD and somehow managed to crawl through a hole in the wall at a local bar and died in there. It was only by the stench that they found him. Moral of story: stay in school.

Case in point, the dead stink. It's something to do with the chemical process of rotting, I suppose.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Here's what you'll need:

Air Freshener (Maggie X uses Febreze®)

Here's what to do:

Bring this with you on all of your corpse-hunting expeditions. Don't leave piles of corpses around in your house, at least not without blasting them with a hefty dose of Febreze®. I recommend Febreze® Air Effects® in the Vanilla & Refresh™ variety. Apply liberally. You may also want to pick out some scented candles.

Zombies Wash Cars

2010-05-05T11:25:00.000-07:00

Turns out zombies wash cars. Who knew?

Edmonton Car Wash

Deadly Martial Arts

2010-05-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

I think I would be dead many times over if I didn't possess a mastery of the martial arts. Fine arts ain't got shit on that when you're going hand-to-hand with a corpse.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Want to stay alive while unarmed, outnumbered, defenceless, and up against an army that knows no fear and no pain? Well, good luck with that. Here's a tip that might help to increase your odds slightly.

Here's what to do:

Research. Find a martial art that seems to suit you. Tae kwon do, muai thai, capoeira, karate, judo, drunken boxing, kendo, anything but thai chi. Thai chi doesn't count. It's too slow.

Once you've picked your art, find a dojo, hire a master, study, and learn...while you still can. The dead can't teach you karate, so I suggest you start now, before they consume most of the living.

Medical Supplies

2010-04-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

If the dead are crawling around the earth, consuming the living, you can trust that the hospitals of the world will be hit hard. Doctors will be a scarce commodity, and they definitely won't be sticking around to finish their shifts. And since you can expect to need plenty of medical attention (I mean, with the dead crawling around the earth and consuming the living and all that) you may find yourself shit out of luck.

But as usual, I have a tangible solution.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you want to survive the apocalypse only to die of an infected paper cut? Didn't think so. You'll need antibiotics! You'll need bandages! You'll need gauze, birth control, and acetaminophen.

Here's what you'll need:

First Aid kit fully stocked with as much of the following as possible:

Saline
Penicillin
Polysporin
Neocitrin
Gauze
Triangular Bandages
Bandaids
Butterfly bandages
Tylenol, Advil, etc
Benadryll
Morphine
Medicinal marijuana (or cocaine)
Viagra
Birth Control
AED (the dead can't come back to life if you don't let them die in the first place)
Insulin
etc

Here's what to do:

Put a lock on that first aid kit (combination locks are best) and don't tell anyone else the code. If people find out you've got a good set of provisions, they may attempt to commandeer your supplies. So, keep control of the first aid kit. Get an inside man at the hospital to help obtain supplies - you may need a prescription for some items listed above. It is best just to remember this simple rule that serves both as the motto for the boy scouts and the title of a famous song from the Lion King: Be Prepared. For whatever may come your way, be prepared. Keeping medical supplies stocked up is a fab way to do so.

Avoid Walmart Like the Plague

2010-04-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

Nothing against the mart. But seriously, when the metaphorical shit hits the metaphorical fan, Walmart is the one place everyone wants to go to and no one should. Can people seriously not plan ahead? It's like, "oh no! Zombies! Quick. Let's get the kids in the mini-van. You grab the carseats, I'll fend off the undead" and then everyone double parks in the damn parking lot, loads their car up with dried goods and guns and ammo and maybe a first aid kit and rushes to the express check-out, which is a great idea in theory. But if great minds think alike and fools seldom differ, then you're not the only one with this brilliant scheme. Bet you anything you'll be far more likely to get trampled on by a mob of angry shoppers than eaten by the undead...especially considering the type of people that shop at Walmart.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

So kids, don't want to get trampled by an angry mob? Don't want the people of Walmart to bodycheck you into the aisles while you're swiping your VISA? Concerned someone might throw you to the hungry, shambling masses of walking corpses just for a candy bar?

Well, here's what you'll need:

Zombie Action Plan (ZAP)

Here's what to do:

Make sure your plan doesn't include going to Walmart in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Even if your apocalypse doesn't involve zombies, it's probably still a good thing to avoid. Do your shopping now, while the Agency still has the living dead under control. Once Zed gets out into the general population, we are all screwed. Ain't that a pleasant thought?

Drive a Fuel-Efficient Car with James Bond Features

2010-04-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's Mags. And I've been doing some thinkin'. Like, for example, what would happen if there was an outbreak of Zed and you had to get from like L.A. to some god-forsaken town in Canada...Winnipeg, for example (that is a shot at Mr. O, by the way, who has stationed me in Winnipeg, thank you very much) and you're driving along and the whole lonesome highway is overrun by half-naked dead dudes raiding any stopped cars and half-dead coyotes and such, so you're just praying that you don't run over any sharp metal objects and rupture a tire and you notice that your fuel light has gone off. Then you're like "damnit, I don't wanna stop at Petro Canada when I get Airmiles at Shell," so you press on, even though the Petro looks to be fairly clear of dead folks, but when you get to Shell...oh wait...you don't get to Shell, because your car runs out of fuel and you're swarmed by a whole gang of the slow-movers. Which brings me to my tip of the week.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you want to make it in one piece from Point A to Point B without becoming food for thought? Thought so.

Here's what you'll need:

Fuel-Efficient Car

Here's what to do:

Put your car on Pimp My Ride or hire someone to do this shit for you. I'd do a tutorial on how to do this project yourself but I suck at cars. So, get them to load it up with all sorts of sweet James Bond features. Like slits for you to stick your chainsaw (but not big enough for anyone to go sticking their jaws through). Maybe a cowplough on the front. Laserbeams? Fuck-yeah!

If you can make it so that it can turn into a boat, that would be the sickest shit ever. And I mean that the way young kids are saying it these days. Not sick as in "has the plague." A car that can turn into a boat would not only be frickin' sweet, but also mighty handy in zombie-type circumstances. Buy me one?

My Little Undead Pony

2010-04-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be zombies.
Don't let them eat brains and limbs and stuff
Let them be doctors and lawyers and such

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be zombies.
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even when feasting on someone they love

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

A message from MAUI (Mothers Against the Undead and Inhuman): Attention all normal, human parents. Do not let your children play with these so-called toys. They are the devil's work (well, actually, they're the work of flickr user dbx1), and they may lead to a morbid fascination with the undead that could eventually result in your own child's zombification.

According to the flickr page, "Bella is the second pony of the apocalypse. She loves trotting through soft fields of dead bodies." Terrifying, no?

Apparently, there's a series of four ponies, each representing the Four Horses of the Apocalypse. Bella is the pony ridden by War. The other pony on the flickr set is Skulley and "enjoys fresh organic apples, brains, and walks on the beach." The other 2 ponies are absent from the flickr set. Apparently these are made using blank ponies that have been decorated with acrylic paint and permanent marker. If, despite the warnings of the concerned parents, you would like your own custom made undead pony of the apocalypse, you can email dbx1 at: youngsong99@hotmail.com with your request.

Avoid Injury

2010-03-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

It's time to give up rock climbing. Today I witnessed two nuns feasting on a choir boy. Whipping my chainsaw around on its rope like a tetherball from Hell, I interrupted the prandial festivities like a streaker at a baseball game - without warning, without grace, and without apology. Truly, the apocalypse is near. So, not to suggest that you should live life like a boy in a bubble, but try not to hurt yourself.

Give up rock climbing, quit ballet, no more dodgeball, no more agressive lane changes on your motorcycle, wear a helmet, take up golf, stretch before jogging, stick to touch football or capture the flag, don't do boxing, don't play hockey, take up swimming, one at a time on the trampoline, don't run on pool decks, avoid inciting other drivers to road rage.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

So kids, you want to survive the abominable plague of the new millenium? Want to outlive and outlast the new wave of horror that threatens to sweep the nation with the menacing and semi-gangrenous mandibles of the dead? Well, try to do so on that gimp leg you got when you broke your leg sky-diving.

Here's what you'll need:

Cast
Crutch
Rifle
Duct tape

Here's what to do:

If despite all my advice, you still haven't managed to avoid injury and now the apocalypse is upon you, well then I'd suggest you hobble a little faster. I'd also suggest you duct tape your rifle to your crutches. If you're wheelchair-bound, well, that sucks. Maybe you can put some sort of rocket on the back and keep a healthy supply of grenades at your disposal. Pimp out that chair with some guns and maybe some more guns for good measure. You're definitely gonna need some guns is basically the gist.

Flamethrowers

2010-03-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

Flamethrowers are nice. And I'm not talking about a spicy burger. I'm talking about projecting flaming fuel at your supposedly-dead enemies. One thing about flamethrowers is they're actually legal to own in several states in the USA. Surely, you'd think, a weapon with such destructive power couldn't possibly be legal. But you'd be wrong. Yay.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Did you know you can make your own flamethrower at home using simple household items you can find around the house? Don't you feel so much safer knowing that with these easy steps, you can launch flaming streams of projectile fire?

Impress your friends with this destructive tool of fiery mayhem. No longer will they doubt your probability of survival in the event of an actual zombie apocalypse.

Here's what you'll need:

"Super-soaker" style water gun (one with a pump)
Coat-hanger
Duct Tape
Candle (birthday candle will do)
Lighter fuel

Here's what to do:

Bend and cut the wire from the coat-hanger in order to attach it to the gun. Safety first: ask a live adult for help with cutting the wire.

Attach the wire to the gun using duct tape so it extends in front of the nozzle about 5-6 inches. Attach the candle to the wire (use duct tape to attach, or use an elastic band).

Fill the water gun with fuel. Before you pull the trigger, remember to wear a gas mask or dust mask across your face (zombie fumes may contain trace amounts of the Zed Virus, which you may contract by inhaling too much of the contaminated smoke).

All set? Zombies in sight? Well then, get off the internet and start shootin'. Pump the gun. Light the candle. Keep your fingers crossed that you don't blow yourself up or light yourself on fire. Now's the fun part: pull the trigger.

Wormwood: The Gentleman Corpse

2010-03-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

So, it hadn't really occurred to me before to blog about Wormwood, because it hadn't really occurred to me that it fell in the "zombie" category. But it is about a reanimated corpse. In traditional Haitian hoodoo, a zombie is a walking corpse, controlled by a powerful houngan, bokor, or voodoo priest.

In the Wormwood graphic novels, the walking corpse is controlled by the titular character, Wormy for short, a worm god from another dimension, who can create a psychic link between himself and a corpse. He refers to the corpses as meat suits.

So if you think of Wormwood as a sort of houngan and his meat suits as his zombie armies, then it does indeed fit into the zombie genre.

Of course, Wormwood doesn't go around eating people's brains. In fact, he goes around solving crimes. Paranormal crimes usually involving the potential destruction of our universe by beings with many tentacles, or crimes involving inter-dimensional travel without permits.

His partners are an unlikely mix of humans and humanoids, including Mr. Pendulum, a robot built by Wormwood, Phoebe Phoenix, a trigger-happy red-head with a killer tattoo (literally), and Trotsky, a lazy ghost detective who needs to resolve at least a few cases in order to move on to the other side.

Wormwood and his associates are most likely to be found down the pub. You know, the pub with the leprechaun stripper. Where Medusa acts as guardian of the trans-dimensional portal...You know the one.

The series is by Ben Templesmith, best known perhaps for his work on the 30 Days of Night series. The stunning artwork, concept, bizarre plots, and startlingly funny dialogue are all the work of Templesmith, who works as writer and artist on the series.

What I like best about the series, besides the amazing artwork, is the way that humour and horror blend so perfectly together. One of my favourite images from the series is the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, riding on Segue Scooters.

Uzi

2010-03-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

Not to be confused with Ouzo, a greek liquorice-flavoured beverage, an Uzi is a formidable weapon against the damned. And it's so easy to use, even a 5-year old could do it. Though I don't recommend that you test that theory, unless the dead are trying to eat said 5-year old's brains.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you like the sensation of holding awesome power in the palm of your hands. Do you like the idea that one squeeze of a trigger can send a filthy abomination back to the Hell from whence it came? Are you intelligent enough to remember not to point the barrel of the gun at yourself or any other living humans? If you answered yes to any single one of the above questions, then the Uzi may be right for you.

Here's what you'll need:

Depending on your geographic location and the gun laws there, you may need to obtain a licence before purchasing an Uzi. If you can't obtain an Uzi licence, you may need to seek black market services.

Here's what to do:

Load weapon
Aim weapon at undead
Squeeze trigger
Victory dance

Evidence

2010-03-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

Despite the overwhelming abundance of evidence of the existence of the walking dead - including photographic evidence all over the internet - the true believers are far and few between. Even the die-hard zombie movie buffs generally don't acknowledge the actual existence of the living dead. I give you, therefore, Exhibit A: the beginnings of a collection of photographs taken by the Agency and pilfered by yours truly. As I continue to blog, I shall upload more as I am able. Mr. O keeps the photos under lock and key, both literally and metaphorically speaking, but I shall endeavour to give you the truth, always, now in the form of photographic evidence.

Looks well-fed, don't he?

Look at those bite marks on that one's head! Someone must have been trying to snack on his brains!

That's a close-up on the bite-mark.

Yep. She's dead all right.

It's creepy when zombies look like they're happy.

Buy Merch

2010-03-06T07:04:00.000-08:00

Will it prevent the dead from sinking their half-rotten teeth into your carotid artery and slurping it up like spaghetti? No, it won't. But it'll help you look cool while you chainsaw down your unsightly enemy.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you want to look like a badass and support Maggie X at the same time?

Here's what you'll need:

Maggie X T-Shirt

Here's what to do:

Buy a T-shirt. Wear a T-shirt. Love the T-shirt. Kill zombies in the T-shirt.

New Merch

2010-03-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

3 New Styles of T-Shirts/Hoodies from yours truly - Maggie X. Each features the same design - your fearsome host, brandishing a chainsaw and clad in a torn-up LBD and wearing a blood-spattered SARS Mask. In the style of the great midnight movies, the shirt proclaims that I am a "Bitch With a Chainsaw" and boasts of my exploits:

"Trashy grotesque ultraviolence
Shocking and horrific gore
One woman armed with a chainsaw
against scores of the flesh-slurping living dead.
They come for her brains."

These 3 different styles can be found in my shop.

Fucking Zombies

2010-02-23T11:43:00.000-08:00

Here's a new Zombie event:

It's called Fucking Zombies. It will be held this Friday night in Winnipeg at the Pure Nightclub. Here's the Facebook Group.

Voodoo is proud to Present:

FUCKING ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This will be voodoo's second installment of chaos. On Friday the 26th the dead rise from their graves for one reason and one reason only, TO FUCKING PARTY!!.

Opening night last month was packed from wall to wall, this time around we have both rooms of music pounding out beats till the late night. In the main room will be the best of Winnipeg's hard dance Dj's, and in the other room we have Winnipeg's finest industrial Dj's brought to you by Future State with Dj Cyberella and Dj Raytch Aytch.

We will be playing the best of the best Zombie movies on our 2 huge projector screens.

Dressing up is encouraged and prizes will be given away to the best and the goriest zombies at the party.

The 26th is the time for all you zombie voodoo children to rise up from your crypts, claw your way to the surface, and come join your undead brethren at Pure. Friday Febuary 26th come and feel the bass and join us as we do the dance of the dead.

Doors open at 8:00pm
Cover $5

Jed's Valentine's Day Gift

2010-02-23T11:41:00.000-08:00

So, guess what Jed got me for Valentine's Day! A fucking Wii Fit. What the hell is that supposed to mean, Jed? Are you saying I'm fat? I almost broke up with him, when I realized it's actually pretty fun. And you know, cardio is important when you're hunting the dead.

So, here's my Tip of the Week

Get a Wii Fit!

Here's what you'll need:

Money
Wii Console

Here's what to do:

Buy a Wii Fit balance board and Wii Fit Plus game to go with your Wii Fit Console. Use it!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

2010-02-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith

I have recently had the pleasure of reading the "classic regency romance: now with ultraviolent zombie mayhem," or rather, had the pleasure of having it read to me by a Ms. Katherine Kellgren.

For those of you who think that to add zombies to a classic novel like Pride and Prejudice is to disgrace the original title such that Jane Austen is rolling around in her grave, I could not disagree with you more. If Austen were alive, she would likely be delighted to see the Bennet sisters come alive again, regain their popularity as literary characters in the new millennium, and more delighted still to see them as heroic figures sworn to protect England from the undead servants of Satan. As the afterward of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies points out, although Austen wasn't herself a writer of horror and we can't conclude that Austen was a fan of the horror genre, many of Austen's characters were themselves delighted by tales of the macabre. Besides this, many of the popular horror novels of the day took their cues from other novels, such as romance novels, but with gratuitous scenes of violence, much as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has done.

It should also be noted that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies stays fairly true to the original text by Austen. In fact, my foremost complaint about the novel was that it borrowed too much from the original storyline and text and did not include enough of the gratuitous violence I had been led to expect. If I were Seth Grahame-Smith, I surely would have had plenty more scenes of so-called "ultraviolent zombie mayhem." I would have killed off more of the main characters, and there would have been a lot more physical danger.

My secondary complaint is Seth Grahame-Smith's gimmicky use of ninjas in his novel. Obviously Grahame-Smith was attempting to play up the pop culture elements of the novel and make the novel more appealing to the fanboys of both zombies and ninjas. But not all fans of zombies are also fans of ninjas. Perhaps he should have called the novel Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Ninjas. Then, of course, it would not have been as popular. But it would not have been as misleading either. More zombies, less ninjas, I suppose, is the point I'm trying to make. Somehow, I just can't the Bennet sisters all shipped off to Shaolin to become masters of the "deadly arts." Particularly because, in those days, it would not have been proper for women to become trained warriors or to act as defiantly and headstrong as they do in the novel.

And my final complaint is the over-use of certain words within the text. As I just mentioned, ninjas were a key element of the novel to the point where the title could have easily been Pride and Prejudice and Ninjas rather than Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and I think, that if you do a word count, you would probably find that the word ninjas occurs more often than does the word zombies. The word ninjas occurs so many times as to become ninjas. Can't you find a synonym? Most ninja movies never even use the word ninja. They use words like samurai, ronin, martial artist, drunken master, etc, but rarely ninja. Except maybe in kids' shows like 3 Ninjas and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Another word that is overused is the word zombie. He calls it the strange plague, calls the zombies unmentionables. Yet if they are, as he says, unmentionable, then why do the characters and the narrator continue to mention them? In those days, there were distinct and strict rules about social etiquette and propriety, and if the rules insisted that zombies were unmentionable, then it would have been considered extremely rude to mention them.

And another words still that is overused is "balls." Puns about balls abound in this novel, most of them ill-crafted and immature. There are both puns about balls, as in dances, and puns about balls, as in musket balls. In both instances, they are puns that joke about the male anatomy, and often inspire giggling from the Bennet sisters. It was slightly funny the first time, but not at all the second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. times.

Now that my complaints are at an end, I have nothing left but praise for the novel. It was a delight to read. I felt like I was getting to reread a classic novel by Jane Austen but also experience the joys of a new zombie novel, all at the same time. Grahame-Smith did an excellent job of imitating Austen's language and his additions to the novel are almost entirely seamlessly worked into the text, so that at times you forget that there weren't unmentionables roaming about England in the original Pride and Prejudice (or that if they were, they literally weren't mentionable).

What scenes there are of ultraviolent zombie mayhem are utterly delightful, and even some of the martial arts battles are fun to read and shall be even more fun to watch on the big screen when the movie comes out. I like Grahame-Smith's idea of zombie trappers going around and setting traps baited with cauliflower.

Grahame-Smith reworks Austen's notable turns-of-phrase to revolve around the central gimmick of his novel, with the result being delightful quotes such as this:

"It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains."

Rating:

★★★☆☆

Cauliflower Looks Like Brains

2010-02-19T17:49:00.000-08:00

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Here's a fun craft idea. Why not make some zombie bait? Any artificial human body part or organ should do nicely, but zombies do tend to be particularly drawn to brains, so that's what we're going to create in today's Tip of the Week.

Here's what you'll need:

Cauliflower
Fake blood
Death-scented object (roadkill, for example)

Here's what to do:

Simply apply a liberal amount of fake blood to the cauliflower, then roll in death-scented object like roadkill. If you can obtain a nice cadaver from a university, hospital, or research centre, this would be even better, as it will smell human. A reasonably fresh graveyard corpse would do the trick too, but remember kids, you need permission to excavate a grave, so be sure to work late at night and wear a ski mask to protect your identity in case you are observed.

Once your cauliflower is prepared, simply waggle the brain in front of the zombies, and then throw it a good distance away from yourself but not so far as to discourage the zombies from pursuing the cauliflower instead of you. This should buy you at least thirty seconds to get to safety, and takes very little time to prepare.

I won't take full credit for the cauliflower idea. I just finished reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, in which cauliflower is used as bait for zombie traps. Review will follow shortly.

Target Practice

2010-02-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Valentine's Day is coming up! Have you found the perfect gift for your Valentine's day sweetheart? I have. Well, not that Jed is a sweetheart, but you know, he has his moments. Anyway, what could be more romantic than time at the firing range or gift certificates for airsoft/paintball? It's a great way to show your sweetheart that you care about them and that you'd want them to survive in the event of a full-scale zombie apocalypse, and it's a great way for men to blow off some steam.

So, there you have it, kids - the perfect Valentine's Day gift. To make things even sweeter, consider making this craft from Maggie X.

Here's what you need:

Computer with Internet Connection
Colour Printer
Photo Editing Software

Here's what to do:

Log on to the internet. Perform a google images search for your Valentine's mortal enemy. Maybe it's his boss at work, maybe it's an old teacher, maybe it's an annoying celebrity.

Right-click on the picture you find, and save it to your computer. Now, open up your photo editing software, and open up the picture you've saved to the desktop.

Perform a few basic alterations, such as tinting the photo green and painting on a bit of blood to make them look a little more zombie-like in appearance.

Next, using the ellipse tool in combination with the straight line tool, add a target to the zombie's forehead. Remember, we're not putting the target on the chest, people. This is for zombie target practice.

Print out your photo - make sure you print it out real big so it's easy enough to hit the target. Give this with the gift certificates and maybe some cinnamon hearts and you've got yourself one hell of a Valentine's Day gift.

Maggie X's Role Models

2010-02-09T22:09:00.000-08:00

Did I mention before that as an Agent I get free access to a trained psychologist? I dunno; I guess maybe because I go around killing people who are already dead they expect me to be psychologically damaged. Pshh! As if! Still, my psychologist is kinda cute, so I've been going anyway. Ironically, he says I may be psychologically damaged after all...not from being a zombie hunter though - from my childhood. What a Freudian crock of shit that is.

Anyway, since I'm under the assumption that you probably don't have a free hottie psychologist at your disposal, I'll pass on some advice I received during my recent therapy. Although the original context of this visualization of success exercise was somewhat different during my therapy I think it still applies.

So, when trying not to die by a horrible act of cannibalism at the hands of some sort of reanimated dead creature, it helps to visualize yourself succeeding, almost literally see yourself surviving, picture yourself not being swallowed up in the rotting jaws of a ghoul, but rather, imagine yourself blowing that ghoul's brains out like you're some sort of action movie star.

Sometimes, in order to visualize this success, it is helpful to envision yourself as an action movie star. Or maybe a superhero. Or really just any sort of person you look up to, like a role model. Like if you're a James Bond fan like me, think to yourself, what would James Bond do in this situation? Hopefully you don't look up to pacifists like Gandhi or Jesus, because they won't be much help in this visualization exercise.

Who does Maggie X look to for inspiration? Well, besides the obvious James Bond, here's a list of Maggie's role models.

1. Sarah Connor, as played by Linda Hamilton

That's right. When Maggie X is trouble, she says to herself what would the mom who raised the hero of Judgment Day do? WWSCD?

Why? Because, particularly in Terminator 2, she's a badass bitch. Everyone thought she was crazy, but that didn't stop her from preparing for the end of the world. That didn't stop her from escaping from a high-security mental institution, or from breaking into Miles Dyson's home in order to execute him and thereby prevent judgment day (though she was later stopped from doing that by her son and his robot friend), or from later destroying the T1000 and temporarily delaying the inevitable judgment day. Not to mention she single-handedly destroyed the original terminator that was sent to kill her way back in the days when big hair was in style and nobody had even heard of terminators before.

Badass quotes? Damn straight. I particularly love her exchanges with Dr. Silberman.

Dr. Silberman: I'm sure it feels very real to you.
Sarah Connor: On August 29th, 1997, it's gonna feel pretty fucking real to you too. Anybody not wearing 2 million sunblock is gonna have a real bad day. Get it?

Dr. Silberman: You broke my arm!
Sarah Connor: There's 215 bones in the human body. That's one.

Dr. Silberman: It won't work, Sarah. You're no killer, I don't believe you'd do it.
Sarah Connor: You're already dead, Silberman. Everybody dies. You know I believe it so don't fuck with me!

Dr. Silberman: Good Morning, Sarah.
Sarah Connor: Good Morning, Dr. Silberman. How's the knee?
Dr. Silberman: Fine, Sarah.
Dr. Silberman: [turns to the team of doctors with him] She... uh, stabbed me in the knee cap with my pen a few weeks ago.

2. Tank Girl, as played by Lori Petty

This chick is the shit. What Would Tank Girl Do? That's the key to the visualization of success. And the answer is not give a shit. Tank Girl is really good at not-giving-a-shit. You can kidnap her, torture her, or beat her up, but she'll just not-give-a-shit right back at you, and she'll even make a joke about it and make you feel stupid for trying.

She's awesome in the comic books and she's awesome in the movies.

Bad-ass quotes? Tons of them.

Jet Girl: What are you doing?
Tank Girl: I was thinkin' about leavin' this place. It's been swell, but the swelling's gone down. What do you reckon? We go to New York, see Cats?
Jet Girl: You don't understand. The better you behave, the more they leave you alone. And... the more they leave you alone, the better off you are.
Tank Girl: Well, that's a bore! There's nothin' to be scared of. You just gotta think about it like...the first time you got laid. You just gotta go: "Daddy, are you sure this is right?"

Rebecca: You buttsmear!
Tank Girl: What'd I tell you? Don't say 'buttsmear.' It's not becoming. Say...'asshole' or 'dickwad.'

Water and Power Guy: That cut looks painful.
Tank Girl: I like pain.
Water and Power Guy: And what else do you like?
Tank Girl: Hot oil. Vacuum attachments. Yup.

Tank Girl: Look, you wanna torture me, spank me, lick me - do it. But if this poetry shit continues, just shoot me now, please.

Tank Girl (in a straitjacket: It's... really... hard for me... to play with myself in this thing.
Evil Water and Power Bad Guy as played by Malcolm McDowell: Look, you want to play, I'll play. And I'll win.
Tank Girl: No. Not if it's Monopoly, cos I really kick ass at that game. But... I get to be the shoe.

3. Cherry Darling (A.K.A. The Chick With the Machine Gun Leg from Planet Terror), as played by Rose McGowan

Not only is she a go-go dancer, she's also among the few survivors of a zombie apocalypse. And did I mention she loses her leg? Rather than letting this stop her, she allows El Wray to fashion her a prosthetic with a perk: it's a machine gun. Badass, non? Je pense que oui.

I also love her whole useless talent thing.

Quotes.

El Wray: I like the way you say 'fuck'.
Cherry Darling: Good. Fuck you.

Cherry Darling (to El Wray): Look, you were being an unbelievable dick. I was walking out on you. I was cold, I took your fucking jacket. So, if you're go on one of your psycho, obsessive, controlling rants about a fucking jacket, then fucking take it 'cause I'd rather fucking freeze than fucking hear about it one more time!

Cherry Darling: I always wanted to be a doctor, instead, I can do this.
[Cherry arches her body up in a bridge position]
Cherry Darling: Useless talent number 66. I'm very pliable.

4. Dr. Dakota Block (A.K.A. The Crazy Bitch Doctor from Planet Terror), as played by Marley Shelton

Obviously I have some affection for this movie. It spawned not one but two of my heroes: Cherry Darling, former go-go dancer turned zombie-killer, and Dr. Block, anesthesiologist turned zombie killer. And don't worry, not that I have children, but I don't consider her a role model for parenting.

But you've gotta have some respect for this crazy sadistic female doctor who just loves using her "friends" known as hypodermic needles, to sedate her patients. Ok, maybe you don't have to respect her for that. But when she escapes her psychotic husband-turned-zombie while her hands are still paralyzed by aforementioned crazy husband when he stabs her with her own "friends", that's when you start to respect her. She even retains her former optimistic attitude, while the world has gone down the shitter: her lesbian mistress is dead, her husband is a psychotic zombie, the whole town is infected by the infected dead, the babysitters are crazy bitches, her son accidentally shoots himself (even though she specifically said not to), and yet she still has it in her to hit on Cherry, and to shoot The Rapist with her hypodermic needles then spin them like guns as if she's John Wayne.

Quotes:

Cherry Darling: I'm Cherry.
Dr. Dakota Block: You sure are.

Dr. Dakota Block: No more dead bodies for Daddy tonight.

Dr. Dakota Block: Hi, Joe. I'm going to give you a very strong anesthetic, so you won't feel anything during the procedure. These...are my friends. My yellow friend is to take the sting off. My blue friend you'll barely feel. That means my yellow friend is already taking effect. See how fast my friends work? And after my red-headed friend, you'll never see me again.

Dr. Dakota Block: Tony, if anyone comes up to the car, I want you to shoot them. Just like in your video games: shoot them in the head.
Tony Block: What if it's dad?
Dr. Dakota Block: Especially if it's your dad!

Dr. Dakota Block: You know, my girlfriend had a theory. She said at some point in your life, you find a use for every useless talent you ever had. It's like connecting the dots.
Cherry Darling: I'm not that optimistic. I feel like I'm sinking down a drain and I can't get out.
Dr. Dakota Block: She'd say, "when you're stuck in that spiral, you reach up".
Cherry Darling: What if there's nothing up there?
Dr. Dakota Block: Just reach up.

Your Loved Ones Are Dead

2010-02-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

You'll have a much easier time accepting the end of the world if you come to terms now with the idea that your loved ones are dead.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you love your parents very much? How bout your little baby brother? Too bad! They're dead!

Sounds harsh? Yeah, well the apocalypse is harsh. Zombies are harsh. Better to accept that now while you're still alive, rather than after you've ventured from the safety of your fortified stronghold, thereby compromising your own safety and the safety of your companions just because you wanted to go find your mother, or father, or sis, or bro, or worse still - your kitty, only to find out that they're dead. All of them. Dead. And trying to eat you.

How do I know they're dead? Well, because, like you, they wanted to venture from the safety of the prison walls (I assume your parents are in prison...no?) to come find you. Did they forget they were in the midst of a zombie apocalypse or did they simply fail to read my blog? I don't know. Either way, there is no way you can safely get to your parents if you are separated in the midst of an apocalypse, no matter what the movie 2012 would have you believe. And besides, if I'm wrong about that, and your parents ARE alive, then as I said, they're probably on their way to find you anyway. So just wait it out. Eventually, they'll either find you, still alive, or they'll die getting there. At least this way one of you will stay alive.

Here's what you'll need:

Acceptance
Counselling
Fortified household
Patience
Tapioca Pudding (see previous post)
Enough food and entertainment to tide you over until dead people stop roaming the earth

Here's what to do:

Well, as I already established, it's just best if after fortifying the household you're staying in, or your school, museum (maybe you're on a field trip? I don't know), prison, etc, don't venture outside of the safe zone! Not only are you compromising yourself, but you're also endangering whomsoever else you may be sharing safety with. And I'm talking about live people here. There may not be a lot of those left. So don't endanger the live people just to save someone who's already dead, soon to be dead, or still alive and on their way to find you. Seems obvious to me.

Besides, what if your parents are still alive, but when you get to them, they have to open the door to let you in, and you're followed in by the zombies? May I be the first to congratulate you, because in this scenario, you've just killed your family! And yourself! And whomsoever your parents were nesting with! And you've endangered whomsoever you were staying with when you embarked on said heroic/suicidal journey to your parents in the first place!

Monster Nation

2010-02-03T20:55:00.000-08:00

Monster Nation, by David Wellington

The second in a grim trilogy of zombie novels, Monster Nation goes back to the beginning, back to when all these shenanigans began, you know, back when the dead first started their whole "we didn't know we were dead" type thing and then started ripping out people's throats.

It wasn't quite as chilling as Monster Island, though it was every bit as gory. The plot was every bit as intricately layered as the first, if not more so. What I found it lacked was the intense moments of danger that the first novel had - like when Dekalb and the girls go into the hospital and almost no one makes it out alive. In this novel, the tale centres around three main characters: Bannerman Clark (a military captain), Nilla (a dead girl who can't remember anything but whose mind is still intact despite being dead and who has gained some cool powers from her death; ie: she can go invisible), and Dick (who is dumb, dead, and had his arms eaten by zombie sheep - baahhhhrains!). Clark is always calm and composed, so there are almost no scenes where I feel frightened for him. Dick is dumb as a stick. And Nilla is already dead and has superpowers so she can't sustain much damage. Still, she's oddly the character I felt the most concern for throughout the novel. Even when she eats the faces of a thug and his druggie associate, I felt a little frightened for her.

Basically the plot is like this: Clark hops down to Colorado where this prison has some odd goings-on going on, namely cannibalism. Of course, it's the guards, not the prisoners, who are perpetrating this odd and heinous crime. At first he thinks there's something messed up in the water or maybe some kind of biological warfare. Meanwhile, Dick gets eaten by some sheep and some hippie named Cordon Bleu or something, and he goes around eating people. Also meanwhile, Nilla wakes up in an 02 bar and gets brought to a hospital. Later, Clark arrives at the hospital to help resolve a "hostage" situation, which is really just a zombie situation. Nilla escapes by turning invisible, which is when Clark realizes that in order to stop the apocalypse, he needs to find this invisible zombie woman. Seems like a tough job, doesn't it? Anyway, Mael Mag Och, the dead Scottish dude from Monster Island, makes an appearance, which just sort of complicates things further. He's pretty much the only character carried over from the first novel. Sad really, I was hoping Gary would make an appearance, even if just a brief cameo. Mael Mag Och did allude to Gary though, so that was nice. Doctah Gary!

Anyway, good book all in all. Some pretty awesome throat-ripping-out action.

Quote:

"He was only a foot and a half away. She could make out every pimple on his face, she could see the pulse beating in his jugular vein. He was exactly the same height as her, she realized. She reached up and knocked his hat off, into the street.
'What the fuck did you do that for, you stupid bitch?' he demanded as he bent to retrieve it.
'I didn’t want to get blood on it,' she said, and grabbed him around the neck."

Rating:

★★★★☆

Zombies Don't Make Good Pets

2010-02-02T15:54:00.000-08:00

It's true. Zombies don't make good pets. They might if they had those cool collars they have in Fido that make them behave themselves (but if, as in Fido, the collar malfunctioned, that would be really bad news), but we don't have such collars in real life. We just have brain-slurping zombies with attitudes as bad as their scents. Even Nanny 911 couldn't teach a zombie to behave.

But here's the question of the day. If zombies did make good pets and you could have any dead person in history as your pet, who would it be?

I think Albert Einstein would make a really good zombie, don't you?

Necrophilia = bad

2010-01-29T16:30:00.000-08:00

Despite the images pervading the internet of scantily clad zombie cheerleaders and pinup girls, zombies should not, in any way, be considered as sex symbols.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! I guess you've probably learned about the birds and the bees by now, either from your teachers at school in sex ed class, at home from your parents, or in the hallways at school.

But I somehow doubt you've heard anything about the zombirds and the zombees, however. Here's where Maggie comes in.

See, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they tend not to eat one another's organs.

When a man and a zombie chick love each other very much, social protocol is often forgotten. The undead woman in question might forget that men don't like it when you bite their junk. She might, despite the best of intentions I'm sure, take things a little too far and accidentally take a chunk out of the man's skull. She might eat his brains, you know, in an "I'll let you eat mine if you let me eat yours" kind of way.

So the best advice I can give, I suppose, is that whatever you think you know about using protection, unless Sheik starts making chainsaws instead of condoms, it probably isn't going to be enough if you want to bed a zombie.

Quota

2010-01-26T15:06:00.000-08:00

If I kill one more zombie this month I'll already have met my quota for the year. There's a wide-screen tv prize to whoever kills the most - Mr. O thinks we need more motivation.

Jed sucks

2010-01-24T12:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish Jed were a zombie. Then I could justify shooting him. I hate how he pays more attention to his car than he does to me.

I'm all, "I've got the night off. Do you want to spend some time together."

And he's all, "Sorry Mags, I've gotta wash the car tonight."

I'm like, "Well, I have to wash my hair. Screw you too."

Maggie X T-Shirts

2010-01-21T13:14:00.000-08:00

Ooh! Maggie X t-shirts!

Click here.

Celebrity Apocalypse Team

2010-01-20T21:33:00.000-08:00

Here's a hypothetical question reminiscent of the "who would you want with you if you were stranded on a desert island" question, to which I always respond "someone buoyant":

If in a post-apocalyptic world inhabited dominantly by ravenous hordes of the undead, you could team up with 5 celebrities, which 5 celebrities would you want on your survival team? I should specify that I am referring to living celebrities, not zombie celebrities. Zombie celebrities will eat you.

#5 Arnold, the Governator, Schwarzenegger

Why?

Um, let's see. Not to ignore his physical prowess, he has political savvy, which is important if you want to have someone on your team who can inspire or at least lead the other survivors. He may be old now and the Terminator may have been fictional, but still, I think that in a real-life zombie apocalypse scenario, he'd still hold his own.

Also, it makes killing zombies so much more fun if you have a guy standing beside you uttering awesome one-liners like "hasta la vista, zombie" and "bite me" with an austrian accent.

#4 Avril Lavigne

Why in the hell?

Well, you need to have someone you can sacrifice if you're in a bind.

#3 Verne Troyer

Why?

You may be thinking, but won't he slow you down? Yeah, maybe he would...if you didn't have Arnold on your team. But just get Arnold a backpack and put Verne up in there and I don't think it'll slow the governator down. And then you've got someone who can get into tight spaces, which could come in handy. Plus, if the post-apocalyptic world is unable to continue providing electricity and cable television, you're going to need something to entertain you, and don't expect Avril to fill that void. There's got to be a midget or things are gonna get rough.

Also, and don't tell Verne that I said this, but if you're in a real bind, he'll be a hell of a lot easier to throw as a sacrifice to the zombies than Arnold will.

#2 Clint Eastwood

Why?

You're thinking, "he's 79? Are you retarded?"

To that, I reply, respect your elders. Clint Eastwood is a badass mother fucker. I mean, he's Dirty Harry, for fuck's sake. And even in his later movies, he's pretty badass. Have you not seen Gran Torino? He was also awarded the "Brass Balls" award at the Spike Guys Choice Awards.

Hollywood aside though, it should be noted that Eastwood has his pilot's license, which could come in very handy in an apocalyptic scenario.

Here's a badass quote from Eastwood: "I don't go for hunting. I just don't like killing creatures. Unless they're trying to kill me. Then that would be fine."

Here's a badass quote from Eastwood as Dirty Harry: "I know what you're thinking. 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

#1 Chuck Norris

Why?

Chuck Norris has already been to the moon. That's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad was even born.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to mow his lawn. He just stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Top Secret government intelligence recently discovered the atom bomb was never dropped on Hiroshima. In fact, they dropped Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris gets bit by a zombie, he doesn't turn into a zombie; the zombie turns into Chuck Norris.

Don't Stand By The Windows

2010-01-20T15:33:00.000-08:00

In any post-apocalyptic household, windows tend to be the weakest link as far as home security goes. Living in suburbia and having armed your house with door alarms no longer counts for anything, much as I hate to burst your proverbial bubble. Locking the doors is far more helpful than alarming them, and a brick house is stronger than one made of wood or plaster, but if you haven't boarded up your windows, then what's the point?

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Would you strongly object to being pulled, screaming, through broken shards of glass from the safety of your own home into the hungry, gaping jaws of a corpse whose intellect is comparable to that of a particularly stupid lemming?

Here's what you'll need:

Wood
Nails
Hammer

or:
Alternate means of securing the windows (for example, a big heavy desk, cement, steel safety bars, barbed wire, etc)

Here's what to do:

Using hammer, nail wood to cover any and all windows or openings where zombies might gain access to the house. Remember, safety first: have an adult help with the hammering!

Make sure the wood is sufficiently thick, so that the undead can't simply force their way through. Ensure that all the windows are secure before going to sleep at night. In fact, is probably best you not sleep again. Ever.

5 Scientific Reasons A Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen

2010-01-19T22:22:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't believe me, I've found this great article on cracked. 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen

#5 Brain Parasites
#4 Neurotoxins
#3 The Real Rage Virus
#2 Neurogenesis
#1 Nanobots

Blunt Objects

2010-01-13T17:26:00.000-08:00

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Don't forget. Blunt objects work too. We all have a tendency to become fixated on weapons with triggers, sharp stabbing weapons, and exciting power tools. And don't get me wrong. Those are all great, but if it's at the cost of forgetting about blunt objects, then I think we still have much to learn.

Here's what you'll need:

Blunt object

Here's what to do:

Oh, come on. You don't really need me to tell you what to do, do you?

Shoot Them In the Brains

2010-01-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Want to learn how to kill zombies? Do you also want to watch a sweet music video at the same time? Me too. But we'll just have to settle for Leslie Hall.

Here's what you'll need:

A computer (plus keyboard, mouse, monitor, etc)
A steady internet connection
Flash Player

Here's what to do:

Watch the following video and learn from Leslie & the Ly's featuring Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

2010-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

New Year's Eve

2009-12-30T15:43:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve is fast approaching, and with it come the dangers of festivity. They say that there's safety in numbers, but that only holds true so long as those numbers don't include the living dead. So here's a helpful tip to help you tell the difference between the living dead and the celebrants of the new year.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Not sure if your great grandfather Jim is still breathing? Is the way he walks too palsied and arthritic too distinguish from the walk of an animate corpse? Well, fear not. Here's a helpful way to tell if he's still breathing.

Here's what you'll need:

Questionable living and/or dead New Year's Eve celebrant
Disposable obviously still-living human

Here's what to do:

Distance yourself from great-gramps and the disposable human (unwelcome houseguest, in-law, nosy neighbour, etc). Make sure you get a good view. Watch and wait as they mingle. Does great-gramps seem to be heading towards the punch bowl, the men's room, or the unwelcome houseguest? Don't get impatient and go visit great-gramps just yet. Watch and see. Great-gramps still not feasting on your unwelcome houseguest? Well, he's probably not dead yet. You'll just have to put up with that houseguest a little bit longer. And don't expect to get that inheritance yet either.

Breathers: A Zombie's Lament

2009-12-27T18:27:00.000-08:00

Breathers: A Zombie's Lament, by S.G. Browne

Best zombie novel since The Stupidest Angel! Seriously, I wasn't too sure about it at first. It came across a little bit slow, uneventful, and frankly, not that funny. But the latter half of the novel made up for the slow start entirely.

One of the film's strongest points is that it is not only a gory zombie comedy (zom com for short), it also doubles as a strong social satire and points at deep social issues, like racism, homophobia, and the trials and tribulations of parenthood, the pains of growing up without the love and support of our parents, and the issue of survivor's guilt. Only with cannibalism. It's even got some tender (and I don't mean tender as in succulent) moments.

Yes folks, cannibalism. And to be completely honest, the book really doesn't get all that exciting until the cannibalism. And zombie sex. My favourite parts are when Andy (our hero) gives us recipes on how best to cook Breathers.

The book starts with a glimpse into the future - Andy has awoken on the floor of his parents kitchen to discover that he has killed, butchered, and stuffed his parents into their own refrigerator. The story then jumps backwards, and Andy is a zombie living in a Breather's world. Unloved by his parents, abhorred by society, unable to confide in his therapist, rejected by the legal system that has stripped him of all rights (including the right to exist), his only comfort is a self-help group for zombies, Undead Anonymous.

Rita is a sexy undead suicide chick, Jerry is a dead stoner with a bad case of road rash, Helen is the group's leader, Ian is a lawyer who passes for a Breather, Carl is an undead a-hole, Tom is a vegetarian zombie, Naomi is addicted to cigarettes, Beth is a 16-year old new zombie, Leslie is a prim, proper, British zombie, and Andie is your stereotypical limping, covered-in-stitches, pasty-complexioned, slow-moving zombie. That is until they meet Ray and sample his "resplendent rapture" which has some astonishing properties and may not actually be venison, as Ray claims.

Soon, Andy has become a bit of a local celebrity, a bit of a Breather connoisseur, and the poster-boy for the zombie rights movement. But that doesn't stop him from seeking delicious, savoury revenge on the local Sigma Chi fraternity.

Quotes:

"I flip over to MTV, where Real World: Zombie in the House portrays a house full of Breathers living with a zombie.
'He stinks,' says one of the housemates. 'Worse than garbage. I can't even describe it.'
'Kind of like hot, stale vomit,' says another housemate.
'Yeah. Except only worse. And he keeps drinking my shampoo. Do you know much a ten-ounce bottle of Paul Mitchell costs?'"

"It's a classic story of suffering and redemption, like The Color Purple or The New Testament.
Only with cannibalism."

"I know that in the movies, zombies devour limbs and buckets of internal organs and can't seem to get enough. But that's just more Hollywood propaganda. Breathers are as rich and filling as a double chocolate soufflé. Granted, they're more savory than sweet, but it doesn't take much Breather meat to fill you up. Instead of craving more, you just want to loosen your belt and sit on the couch and watch Letterman.
I bet Hollywood zombies all end up with stomachaches."

Rating:

★★★★☆

Official Website:
undeadanonymous.com

Merry X-Mas

2009-12-25T17:20:00.000-08:00

Merry X-Mas everyone.

Zombies are an abomination. Jesus? Quite holy, apparently. My, how our views on returning from the dead have changed over the years.

Trip to Japan - cancelled

2009-12-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

I was all set for my trip to Japan. Then, with only little warning, my grandfather passed away. Not my biological grandfather, but my adopted mother's father. Anyway, I rather than training for my fifth dan black belt as I'd anticipated, I've been spending the Christmas holidays in Beautiful British Columbia, Canada, where my non-biological grandfather was born.

I have been assured by the science guys at the Agency that he will not spontaneously resurrect during the funeral, that the dead must be contaminated with the Zed Virus in order to come back to life, but I still can't shake the idea of gramps pushing his way out of the coffin to eat my grandma's brains. Imagine the embarassment of having to escort the deceased back to the grave during his own funeral.

Zombie likes turtles

2009-12-22T20:20:00.000-08:00

This zombie, Jonathan, likes turtles. I wonder if he means the chocolate, or the animal. It's strange. Most zombies don't eat much other than human.

Cell Phones on Silent

2009-12-21T13:58:00.000-08:00

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Tired of having to scramble for dear life every time you get a text message or sext message (sexy text message)? Well, with this handy tip from Maggie X, you won't have to!

Here's what you'll need:

Instruction manual for your cell phone
Your cell phone

Here's what to do:

Read the instruction manual for your cell phone. Find out how to set your cell phone's "silent mode."

Now, turn on your phone's silent mode whenever you're in the presence of zombies. Remember, you'll have to check your phone manually to see if you've received any calls, texts, or sexts, but it's worth it, because they can't kill you if they can't find you.

The Dead Don't Read Cosmo

2009-12-14T16:29:00.000-08:00

Someone I used to work with (back in the days before the Agency) used to have anorexia nervosa. Her doctor, idiot that he was, told her "if you're hungry, you'll eat." She proved him wrong when she died hungry. I wish I could tell you that this story had a happy ending and that she spontaneously reanimated and got over her eating disorder by consuming the doctor, but alas, that was not to be.

Point is this, the dead aren't picky like the living. And they're not so hung up on body image either. The dead don't read cosmo. And they don't usually do their makeup either. Well, maybe in the early stages of reanimation, but not after they've started to decompose, that's for sure.

So, if you're in a bind, and you really don't feel like being a meal for a hungry corpse, consider this: they'll eat the first thing they can get their hands on. Not the most tasty thing, not the biggest thing...the closest thing. So here's a tip...

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Want to learn how to save your own skin while at the same time lower yourself to the basest sort of human scum? Thought so.

Here's what you'll need:

Human Sacrifice

Here's what to do:

When the zombies are coming to get you, use your human sacrifice to buy you time to get to safety. Push that kid right into the corpse's gaping mouth if you have to. Better him than you. It won't take long for the zombie to finish him off, and corpses don't stop eating when they're full, and they don't stop to throw up either (no concept of body image whatsoever), so be sure to keep running. Or have a lengthy supply of sacrifices. A great way to stay alive and get rid of a few of your enemies too.

La-zizz-ibrary

2009-12-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

So, I just got a set of books for my birthday. Ava is so generous, and she knows me too well. Oh yeah, Ava is my adopted sister (I was adopted, not her). And no, she did not buy me the Twilight series. No, it's a set of James Bond novels by Ian Fleming. Bond is way too cool. If he were a zombie Agent and not a double-0 agent, he'd kill all the zombies in the room without ever breaking a sweat or spilling his martini.

Anyway, so I was totally stoked to start reading these, when, lo and behold, the library phones and informs me that I have an item on hold. So I go in and pick it up and it's this book that I've had on hold for like a year now. There's been a long line of people waiting to get their grubby hands on it, but now it's mine, and I don't really want it right now because I want to read James Bond. But I take my book anyway - no, it's not Twilight! It's Fool, by Christopher Moore (because you know I love Shakespeare, and I love Chris Moore even more).

So now I'm like, sweet, I got Fool, but damn, I have to read it now so I can return it before the due date cause I don't want to wait another year to get it again. And then the library calls. And they're like "yo, Mags, what's-up! It's the la-zizz-ibrary, dawg, we gotz you yo's book on hold-izzle" (b/c the guy who works at the reception desk is one of those caucasian rapper types) and so I go in to pick it up, and it's another book that I've been waiting a damn year to get my hands on. Breathers: A Zombie's Lament.

So of course I check the book out. And now I've got to read Fool and Breathers before either of them are due back and I'm totally stoked to read both of them but it's not like I get to read any James Bond any time soon (even though I'd totally started reading before the library called) and it's not like I'm just oozing leisure time. I mean, in a couple days I have to fly to Japan to meet with my sensai to finish my training for my fifth dan black belt (part of my Agency training is in martial arts). So, ideally, I would like to have finished reading at least one of the books before I leave, but that doesn't look like it's happening.

Anyway, I guess there'll be a Breeathers review coming up.

Domain of the Dead

2009-12-08T10:04:00.001-08:00

I mentioned that I've been corresponding with a guy who hosts a zombie-themed website, zombietime.net. And he has kindly pointed out two zombie authors that I ought to add to my list. I already mentioned David Moody in my previous post.

Then there's Iain McKinnon, author of Domain of the Dead.

It has received very positive reviews on Amazon.com.

Check out the zombietime site for a review, as I haven't read it yet I can't review it.

Also, you can check out the author's site, here.

I've yet to read either of these authors but they're now on my to-read-list.

David Moody

2009-12-08T10:01:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been corresponding with a guy who hosts a zombie-themed website that does reviews of zombie books. He pointed out two authors to me, among them, David Moody.

David Moody is a writer from the UK, whose Autumn series includes Autumn, Autumn: The City, Autumn: Purification, Autumn: The Human Condition, and Autumn: Disintegration. He has also written a few other books outside of the Autumn series. And apparently there was a movie adaptation of Autumn featuring David Carradine, RIP (you know, David Carradine, of Kung Fu fame).

Here's a brief review of Autumn.

There is lots of good info on the author's site too. Here.

Patient Zero

2009-12-08T09:58:00.001-08:00

I was in a bookstore recently, and I saw a recently-published zombie novel that sounded pretty cool.

Patient Zero, by Jonathan Maberry

Sounds like it's some sort of zombie technothriller.

Here's some high praise from some famous people:

"I had a fine old time reading PATIENT ZERO. Jonathan Maberry has found a delightful voice for this adventure of Joe Ledger and his crew: while the action is heated, violent, and furious, the writing remains cool, steady, and low-key, framing all the wildness and exuberance in a calm rationality (given an almost comic edge) that renders it as palatable as your favorite flavor of ice cream. This is a lovely feat, and Maberry has written a memorable book." - Peter Straub

"Patient Zero is high-octane excitement from beginning to end, and the start of a fabulous new series. Joe Ledger and the DMS have my vote as the team to beat when combatting terrorist threats on a grand scale." - David Morrell, New York Times bestselling author of FIRST BLOOD and CREEPERS

"Scary, creepy, and gripping--PATIENT ZERO is 'Night of the Living Dead' meets Michael Crichton."--Joseph Finder, New York Times bestselling author of Power Play

"A fast-paced, creepy thriller that as prickly as a hospital needle and sounds a little too convincing. This guy is good." --Joe R. Lansdale

"Brutal action, insanely intelligent, and so real that the hair on the back of your neck stands up!" -- L.A. Banks, The Vampire Huntress Legends Series, New York Times Best-selling Author

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

2009-12-08T09:57:00.001-08:00

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: the Classic Regency Romance — Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem!, Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith

Bloody (no pun intended) brilliant. I mean, who would have thought of putting zombies into Jane Austen's classic novel? Not Jane Austen, that's for sure. She must be rolling in her grave...hah. Literally.

OK, so, my due date was up at the library, so I didn't get to finish this one yet. But I'm dying to (enough with the unintentional zombie puns!), which must say something about the quality of this book. It's funny, it plays really well off of Jane Austen's writing. It's like he just copied and pasted her novel into Microsoft Word, added a few lines about brain-sucking and organ-munching, added "also they had Japanese martial arts training" and "with their swords" and "then killed the zombies" every few paragraphs, and then sent it off to the publishers. In fact, that probably is what he did, but oddly enough, it works. At least, it works for me.

I've read a lot of negative reviews about it, mostly on Amazon.com, so maybe I was just going into it with low expectations...but all I can say is I can't wait for the sequel: Sense and Sensibility and Zombies. Ha, not really, but maybe if Grahame-Smith reads my blog he'll consider it. Then Mansfield Park and Zombies. He could even branch off from Jane Austen and to Wuthering Heights and Zombies or The Picture of Dorian Gray and Zombies.

EDIT: apparently there are others in the series. Recently, Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters was released, written by Ben H. Winters. A prequel has also been announced: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls, by Steve Hockensmith.

Monster Island

2009-12-08T09:56:00.000-08:00

Monster Island, by David Wellington

The first novel in a grim and gruesome trilogy by author David Wellington, Monster Island, which began as a web-based "serial zombie novel."

It's grim, it's creepy, it's clever, it's unique, and it's very well crafted. The story is about a UN Officer, Dekalb, in some third-world country in Africa, who must travel to New York to find AIDS medication for an African warlord, in order to keep the country under unified rule so they can better fight off the army of the undead. Also, they're keeping his daughter as collateral (the Africans, not the zombies). It stands to reason that the third-world countries have suddenly become the most frivolous nations, as they are the ones with the most guns, so when they travel by boat to New York, they aren't entirely prepared for the sheer numbers of the living dead they encounter, and one by one, they get gobbled up for breakfast.

Meanwhile, a doctor/survivor in New York, Gary (heh heh, Doctah Gary), turns himself into a zombie on ice, believing that there are no humans left. He puts himself on ice to preserve his brains, and it pays off. He, unlike most of the others, has some self control, some remnants of intelligence, and the ability to speak. Also, he has control over the psychic zombie network (yeah, apparently zombies have a psychic network, kind of like telephone lines, that they can use to communicate with each other, or even use to suck each other's life force). Later he meets this Scottish bog mummy who teaches him how to use the psychic network, betrays the Scottish bog mummy, and forces the undead to build him a palace.

For some reason or other, the UN guy strikes a deal with the intelligent doctor zombie, a deal that somehow involves getting the AIDS medicine in exchange for him sacrificing one of the female soldiers who accompanied him to New York. Apparently the intelligent doctor zombie feels that one of the female soldiers has wronged him, and wants vengeance. Anyway, UN guy has to fight evil doctor zombie.

Basically, a pretty awesome novel all in all. A little plot-heavy and weird (the zombies in this book eat plants), but also pretty cool, nice and dark, and just gory enough that it works. There are even a few scary, chilly parts, like when UN guy has to go into a hospital overrun with zombies.

Quote:

"They filled the street ahead of us, a shambling horde with gaping jaws and rolling eyes. Some looked human except for a few sores or open wounds on their exposed faces and hands. Others lacked limbs or skin or sensory organs. Their clothes hung in tatters or in perfectly-creased folds and all of them, all of them, were coming for us and they wouldn’t stop until we were torn to pieces."

Rating:

★★★★☆

The Stupidest Angel

2009-12-08T09:53:00.001-08:00

The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, by Christopher Moore

Of course, zombie novels don't often get much better than this.

Here's the synopsis: a young boy witnesses the death of a department store Santa; he thinks this Santa is the real deal and now believes Christmas has been doomed. Meanwhile, an angel has been sent to Earth to grant one wish to a young child. Angel and boy meet up. The boy wishes for Santa to be brought back to life, and fails to mention that Santa should NOT come back to life as the leader of a zombie army.

There are, it should be noted, more layers than this. Interesting characters galore. My personal favorite is washed up softcore porn star slash warrior princess Molly Michon, aka Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland. And no, it's not because I see a little bit of myself in her.

If you haven't read this book yet, read it to your kids this Christmas over a few mugs of rum and egg nog. If you've never read a Chris Moore book, consider this a worthy place to start. If you have read Chris Moore, consider this a worthy place to continue.

Quote:

"Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess."

Rating:

★★★★★

Smell Like the Dead

2009-12-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, so, I know I said trust Hollywood, but if you read that entire blog post you'd know that I didn't mean to trust them explicitly. You know that scene in Shaun of the Dead, where they act like zombies so the zombies won't notice them? Awesome scene. Very funny. Don't believe the movies on this one though. Fact: zombies are stupid and will fall for stupid tricks. Fiction: zombies will fall for the "act like a zombie" trick.

And besides, we all know that if you act like a zombie, you're liable to get shot like a zombie. Zombie hunters are the type of people who shoot first and ask questions later. Think of poor Bill Murray in the recent Zombieland. And if the only people you're fooling are the living ones, then it's pointless to bother.

Why won't it work? you ask. Well, I'm so glad you brought that up. As a zombie hunter, I've learned a few things over the years, and this one I've learned somewhat recently. Allow me to explain.

Troy Haddock and Jeremy Werner, former field agents working on a classified mission, had gone missing. This, I only knew because I overheard Mr. O say something about it when I was waiting outside his office to ask him about getting a chainsaw upgrade. The Agency, it seems, had not heard from Haddock or Werner in about 2 weeks. Not since their mission assignment, which was since successfully completed by another pair of agents. Haddock and Werner were unable to be tracked down by cell phone.

When Mr. O called me into his office, I'd almost forgotten what I was there to ask him about. To my surprise, however, he decided to brief me on Haddock and Werner's mission. It was my assignment to track down the missing agents and re-terminate with extreme prejudice. In the zombie-hunting business, when agents go missing, you have to assume the worst. And if their corpses aren't found, you have to assume the even worse still.

Before sending me out into the field, Mr. O showed me a tape of some security footage from the site of the missing agents' mission. The tape showed a room filled with a bunch of dead dudes walking around. Soon, Werner and Haddock appeared on the screen. Before they had a chance to shoot, they were seized by a group of zombies, who tried to pull their arms clean off and succeeded instead in disarming the agents, who beat a hasty retreat towards the exit.

Before they could get out of the building, however, the screen went dark. Mr O informed me that at this point in the footage, there was a power failure in the building. The Agency's tech team had managed to lighten the footage sufficiently to be able to determine what took place.

Unarmed and unable to find the exit, Werner and Haddock were forced to resort to alternate methods. Apparently one of the agents had seen Shaun of the Dead and was a fan. Arms outstretched, they both began to shamble, zombie-like, through the room toward what they hoped was the exit but was in fact a totally unconvinced zombie, who attacked with the sort of carnal ferocity that could only mean one thing: the zombie knew the humans were living, despite their zombie act. Zombies are stupid enough that the trick should have worked.

The Agency has proposed a theory to explain why the zombies weren't fooled and why Haddock and Werner quickly became dinner for the dead, and this is a theory I've bought into myself. Zombies are predators, and like most predators, especially those that are nocturnal, rely primarily on their olfactory senses, not their sense of sight or their intellect. Basically, if it smells like food, it's food. The dead aren't smart enough to distinguish between human and dead-human behaviors, but they are smart enough to distinguish between the scent of living and dead meat.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you smell like meat? Probably. Well, stop. Stop smelling like meat. It's not easy, is it? But don't worry. Maggie will teach you how. And maybe, if you can stop smelling like meat, the dead won't get you. Maybe.

Here's what to you'll need:

Roadkill
Bathtub
Water

Here's what to do:

Get naked. Roll around in roadkill. Dogs seem to like doing this. Maybe you will too.

Fill a bathtub with water. Soak the roadkill in the water. Stir it around a bit. Once the bath starts to smell like the dead, throw your clothes in the water. Stir it up. Let the stench soak in. Ring out your clothes. Let them hang to dry.

Once your clothes are dry, put them back on. There, now you smell like the dead. It may be considerably more difficult to make friends now, but at least when the zombies take your enemies you can get a good view of the massacre without being eating like the tasty sack of meat that you are.

Molotov Cocktails

2009-12-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

Jed is such an asshole. Why do I put up with him? Why, Maggie, why?! So, get this, last night, Mr. O calls us both into the Agency to tell us that we've both been reassigned to different partners. Jed and I have been partners since the beginning, so this was quite a shock. Mr. O's reasoning: partners shouldn't date each other. It puts them at risk. Ok, a fair point, I suppose, although I'm not the type of girl to let something like a romantic relationship get in the way of my zombie hunting.

Anyway, so Jed starts arguing with Mr. O that it's not fair and blah blah blah and I'm thinking "thanks Jed, for sticking up for us" and then BAM! This happens: "Besides, Mr. O, Mags and I aren't even dating."

Since when are we not dating? Did we break up? Did I miss something here? Is what we've been doing just sleeping together, because I don't think you usually take your fuck-buddies on dinner dates! It sort of defeats the purpose.

So, without further adieu, here's my tip of the week.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you like explosions? Of course you do. Here's a fun, easy, and inexpensive way to satisfy that inner pyro in you. Remember, have your parents help with any cutting - scissors may be sharp!

Here's what you'll need:

Glass Bottle
Something to use as a fuse (An oil-soaked rag will work)
Scissors
Gasoline
Motor Oil
Other Flammable Mixtures

Here's what to do:

Take the cap off the glass bottle. Fill the bottle with equal parts gasoline and motor oil. Other combinations are possible but this is a pretty simple and effective mixture. You could do without the motor oil in a pinch. Another acceptable combination is gasoline with equal parts motor oil and tar. But get creative. Use rubbing alcohol. Use tar. Use your mom's cleaning products.

[Remember to have your parents or a still-living adult help with this step. Safety first.]
Next, cut your fuse to desired length. The longer the fuse, the longer it will take to explode (although if the glass bottle shatters it won't really matter. If you're using a rag, make sure it's saturated with flammable oil.

Stuff the rag into the neck of the bottle. Light it up and throw it. Watch as a horde of zombies goes up in flames. Don't forget to don your SARS mask for the occasion. Zombie fumes are contaminated with the Z Virus.

Vampires suck

2009-12-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, so, what's with all the vampire shit lately? True Blood, Vampire Diaries, and not to mention the mother of all evil, the Twilight series.

I know what all you Twilight fans are probably thinking. You're thinking "how dare that bitch insult Twilight. Doesn't she know that vampire boys glitter? What do zombies ever do? Smell of the grave? Great super-power."

What I can't stand about all of these shows (and I'll admit, True Blood is like a guilty pleasure for me. I'll watch it despite its obvious flaws) is that all of the vampires have this bi-polar personality disorder. It's like "stay away from me. I'm a monster!" and then when the girl's like "fine, I'll stay away" the vampire's like "wait! come back! I love you" and then the chick's like "Oh, ok," and the vamp switches again, like "If I really love you I should do what's best for you which is to stay away from you for your own safety" and then they leave and the chick gets all depressed and jumps off a bridge or some shit like that. And then, when the vamp really does reveal his secret scary power, it's that he glitters in the sunlight. "Don't look at me! I'm a monster!" You're a fucking disco-ball. Get over yourself. There's nothing monstrous about that. Besides, Edward is one of those so-called vegetarian vampires. He only feeds on animals. So what if he likes his venison a little bit raw? Same thing in the case of Vampire Diaries. And Bill Compton (of True Blood) drinks the poorly named "True Blood" which is in fact a synthetic blood and therefore not really true blood at all.

Point is, you would never see that in a zombie movie or a zombie tv show (are there any of those?), because no one would fall in love with a zombie. For one thing, they stink. They've started the lonely descent down the path of rigor mortis for fuck's sake. And I would assume the same is true of vampires. Only reason people can tolerate their presence is that they're god-damn manipulative. They've got psychic powers and shit. I don't think Edward Cullen has those in Twilight, which really makes me question how Bella can tolerate looking at him. Then again, she doesn't really have the most winning personality herself.

Anyway, back to why no one would fall in love with a zombie. Um, let's see. Well, they're probably trying to eat you. At least the brains part of you. The vampire, likewise, is trying to drink you, but apparently some people get off on that. Far fewer people get off on being eaten, for some reason. Voraphilia, not in. Vampirism, in. Who knew?

Ok, so then there's the fact that zombies aren't the best for conversation. They tend not to have the capacity to make clear words, let alone respond to questions or ask about the weather.

And what all this boils down to is this: a zombie-human romance is a ridiculous concept and just plain wouldn't work. And that's a good thing. It leaves us with only two possibilities for zombie flicks. 1. Movies in which people kill zombies, and 2. Movies in which people get killed by zombies. Most zombie movies fall into both categories. And that's awesome. Why can't vampire movies do that? Can't we go back to the days where vampires actually drank human blood and not the synthetic, turned to ash in the daylight instead of glittering like a disco ball, couldn't walk on hallowed ground, avoided holy water, stakes killed them, garlic was bad, and Buffy was to be avoided not courted.

Trust Hollywood

2009-11-25T09:02:00.000-08:00

I watch a lot of zombie movies. Why? Well, mostly because they're entertaining. But also because they are wise teachers, despite being both fictional and sensationalist. Seems a bit contradictory, I know, but believe me, you can learn a lot by trusting Hollywood.

I should make it clear, you won't stay alive simply by doing everything someone does in a Hollywood zombie movie. Sometimes, Hollywood teaches you what not to do. Sometimes, Hollywood teaches you that in spite of doing all the right things the zombies still got you. Sometimes Hollywood teaches you not to trust anyone. Sometimes Hollywood just likes to kill every mother-fucker for the sake of killing every mother-fucker. But sometimes, if you read between the lines, Hollywood shows us how to stay alive.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week:

Hey kids! Do you like R-rated movies? Good. I'm going to teach you how to use those movies to stay alive. And no, it doesn't involve hitting zombies in the head with DVDs. Believe me, that would be ineffective.

Here's what you'll need:

Your parent's ID
Your parents's credit card
Your parent's video rental card
A television
A DVD Player

Here's what to do:

Procure your parent's wallet. Assume your parent's identity. Make your way to the video store and rent as many zombie-themed movies as your parent's credit limit will allow. Return home with the movies. Don't let your parent see, as this will prevent you from making the claim that a thief stole your parent's wallet and rented movies with their credit card.

Pop those suckers in the DVD player, eat popcorn, and enjoy. But don't be distracted by the films' entertainment factor. Remember, these films are teaching tools. They allow you to visualize all sorts of hypothetical zombie situations without being there.

If the protagonists don't survive, start thinking of things they could have done differently. How might they have survived if there were an alternate ending.

If the protagonists do survive the end of the film, question this reality. If this were to happen for real, would those characters still be alive? If so, great. If not, what could they have done differently?

If Hollywood presents to you a location or situation in which the characters are killed and eaten by zombies and no hypothetical alternate ending presents itself, well, that just means you've got yourself a to-be-avoided situation. Write this down on your list of things/places/events to be avoided. Forests, strip clubs, and bathrooms are all pretty high on my list, and I can thank Hollywood for those tips.

Depends

2009-11-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

Zombieland made a few important and absolutely valuable points about staying alive in the event of a zombie-type armageddon, and as an Agency-employed Zombie Hunter, no one could take these rules more seriously. Among the films tips: "Limber Up", "Cardio", "Seatbelts," "Check the Back Seat", "Double Tap", "Don't Be a Hero", "Be a Hero", and the all-important "Beware of Bathrooms."

I'd like to elaborate on the beware of bathrooms tip, as this is one of the first things one learns at the Agency's Academy. Bathrooms are bad news if you're in the zombie-killing business.
So don't get caught with your pants down.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week:

Hey kids! Are you potty trained? Aw, shucks, that's too bad! Well, not to worry, with a few helpful tips from yours truly, we can survive the dreaded bathroom.

Here's what you'll need:

Someone you trust to use as a sentry
Weapons (anything you can use while sitting, unless you're a dude, in which case any weapon at all will do)
Flare gun + flares
Secure bathroom (public washrooms will do in a pinch but only if you can lock the entire washroom, not just the stall)
Walkie Talkie

Other options:

Depends

Here's what to do:

Post a sentry at the door as lookout. It is their job to signal you if there are zombies coming. Instruct your sentry to shoot the flare gun away from the washroom in the event of an emergency. Zombies are easily distracted and will be drawn towards the flare. Have your sentry contact you via walkie talkie. Be sure to test your walkie talkies to make sure they work.

Enter the washroom, weapon at the ready. Scope out the entire washroom area. Check all stalls, even the out of order ones.

Report back to your sentry. Now, lock the door, and be about your business. Don't forget to wash your hands.

Alternatively:

Use nature's washroom. It's out in the open, which may be bad news if you're in a heavily zombie-populated area, but if not, nature's washroom is a great place to do your business, preferably a wide open field where you can see zombies coming from a long way off. Forests are bad. Avoid forests. Hollywood knows this. You should too.

Make Sure It's Good and Dead

2009-11-11T22:01:00.000-08:00

Happy Remembrance Day! To celebrate the festivities, I plan to focus my efforts on hunting zombies who were B.I.A. (that's bitten in action). I know, bad joke. Seriously though, war is a serious and grisly thing. It's bad enough being a soldier without having to see your dead comrades rise up and try to eat you. So I'm taking it upon myself to kill any dead veterans who didn't bother to stay dead.

And here's a tip on how to make sure your zombies stay dead.

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Quite attached to your fingers? Like to carry on using them like you have been for years without having to pry them from the cold dead jaws of a living corpse? Me too.

Here's what you'll need:

A Shotgun
Bullets
Gasoline and matches

Other Options:

Axe
Blow torch
Get creative

Here's what to do:

Forget about that pulse check they taught you in CPR, and remember this: if its jaws are still gnashing, it doesn't really matter if you can't find the pulse. Do not attempt to resuscitate a zombie. At best, it won't notice. At worst, it will become agitated. Either way, it will probably result in you without fingers, which will make any subsequent attempt to re-terminate a member of the undead considerably more difficult. You need fingers if you're going to be pulling triggers. So go ahead. Pull the trigger...and don't stop there. Pull it again. Aim for the head. Make sure it's good and dead...the old-fashioned way. If it's still moving, it ain't fully dead.

If you still have any, have your parents help with the next step. Burn the corpse. Make sure you use your SARS mask so you don't inhale any contaminated blood or fumes. Remember kids, the Zed Virus can spread if you swallow zombie blood or if you inhale zombie-burning smoke, so always take care in any act of re-termination.

Don't Be a Crack Whore

2009-11-03T22:35:00.000-08:00

Maggie X's Tip of the Week

Hey kids! Do you like these shoes?

I know, I know. But unfashionable as they may be (especially if you're wearing a skirt or a dress or something), trust me, there's no way you're outrunning a herd of zombies in these things:

...so don't be a hooker.

Here's what you'll need:

High School Diploma
Legitimate Job
Ugly-ass Sneakers

Here's what to do:

Stay in school, don't do drugs, get your high school diploma, get a good job, get a decent pay check. Use said pay check to buy ugly-ass pair of sneakers. Nikes, Adidas, whatever - I'm not partial to brand names, just as long as you can run fast in them. Don't accept cash, roses, dinner, or roofies as payment for sexual services. Especially don't accept crack. And don't wear any shoes that you would have to take off first before trying to flee in a zombie-fleeing type of situation.

Zombieland: A Review

2009-11-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

Oh, what fun it is to see a comedy that considers gore just a part of the humor.

Yes, I finally got around to seeing Zombieland. In fact, I finally got around to seeing it twice, and I must say, I wasn't disappointed either time.

What made this movie so entertaining? First, that while it is a big-budget well-produced Hollywood effort at entertaining, it pays tribute to the old-school low-budget zombie horrors of yesteryear. It reminds us of George A. Romero's flesh-consuming hungry hordes of the dead and his fully-apocalyptic sequels, yet gives us an update: fast-moving dead, brought on by a mutated version of mad cow that affects humans and reduces them to a vile and hideous creature that could only be considered a zombie.

Second, the humour wasn't over-the-top cheesy B-movie style gore humour, as you might expect from a zombie flick, nor was it entirely crude toilet humour, as we've come to expect from Hollywood movies aimed primarily at an audience of adolescent to prematurely balding males. The humour was intelligent. The best device was the main characters rules for survival (a staple in the zombie fiction realm), which explain how he's managed to survive for so long. This device comes into play to great comedic effect, as whenever the characters fail to follow one of the rules, that rule will pop up in the background, or whenever they follow one of the rules to great success, the rule will show up onscreen to remind the audience about it.

Third, there was a bloody awesome cameo appearance from Bill Murray, as himself. This scene was by far the best in the movie, and I won't spoil it for any of my readers who may not have seen the movie yet. All I can say is that the film pays tribute to one of the raddest ghost-comedies ever, and that Bill Murray's appearance is much briefer than one might hope.

Best line in the movie: (when Little Rock is sitting down to watch the Ghostbusters for the first time) "This is so exciting! You're about to find out who you're gonna call."

I'll give this film a 4.5/5 and recommend it to anyway who loves zombie films even half as much as I do.